For anyone unfamiliar with the app that has taken the “dating” scene by storm, Tinder, first of all, where the hell have you been? And second of all, I suggest you urban dictionary it (read multiple entries). Basically, it’s a shallow match.com-esque app where you can swipe right, or try to “match” with a person if you like the way they look or what they have in their mini biography. You swipe left or say, “hell f*ucking no” if you find them less than desirable.
Naturally, as a college aged human with an iPhone capable of downloading apps, I have a Tinder.
I am a lady of dignity, class and standards, therefore, to earn a right swipe from me, there are a few rules by which you must abide. I offer these rules to everyone as a guideline on how to find a perfect “match,” keep in mind, I’m not a professional love guru:
1. If your mom or grandma is in the picture, I’m going to swipe left. I have enough of a challenge taking care of my own being, I don’t need a momma’s boy to worry about as well.
2. If you have a picture of a tractor or of you holding a gun, I’m going to swipe left. I will automatically assume that you’re probably missing teeth and have dated your own cousin. #soz
3. If you look like somebody’s dad, I’m going to swipe left. That baby in your picture? Who are you kidding? That’s not your cousin’s kid.
4. If you’re wearing cargo shorts, I’m going to swipe left. I remain vastly uninterested in involving myself with someone whose style is stuck in the 90’s, early 2000’s. Why do you need so many pockets anyway?
5. If your bio says you’re 18 and your age says you’re 24, I’m going to swipe left. How can you expect us to have a relationship built on mutual trust if it started on a lie?
6. If your bio says: “You could be my Tinderella.” I’m going to swipe left. At first it was funny, now I devalue you as a human for your lack of originality.
7. If you look like someone who would have your own name tattooed in a heart somewhere on your body, I’m going to swipe left. You’re probably a d*uchebag.
8. If I can’t tell if you’re a boy or a girl and you have a unisex name, I’m going to swipe left. For obvious reasons.
While these guidelines will filter out most trolls, you may still come to me. You may say, “Maz! What if I followed those rules and still got an undesirable as a match?”
To that I say, reasons to “unmatch” someone:
1. Persistence is one thing, your 13 messages asking if it “hurt when I fell from Heaven” are a nuisance.
2. If you send me an unwarranted d*ck pic, click, unmatch. That’s f*cking gross. I WAS ON THE TRAIN. I didn’t ask for that. I was minding my own business and boom. It happened. Now the old lady who had been looking over my shoulder while I was catching up on my latest emails is judging me hard core. Thanks a lot.
3. If you ask me to send you pictures, click, unmatch. See ya never. Love is fleeting, the internet is forever.
The A-Maz-ing Guide to Love and Tinder will soon be available in the audio book section of the iTunes Store, narrated by Morgan Freeman. The critics call it: “More compelling than the ‘March of the Penguins’ and less likely to happen than Amanda Bynes making a graceful comeback to the Hollywood A-List.”