A One Sided Conversation with a Distant Cousin

This weekend I spent a lot of time with family, which was great, but at the same time, whenever we have family parties where the extended-extended family is invited (talking second-third-fourth cousins here), there is always at least one rando that finds me in the crowd and asks me a sh*t ton of questions about my life and what I’m doing. As bad as it sounds, I usually have no idea who the person is, but they somehow magically know me. Usually from my end of the conversation, this is how it goes:

*Approached by sixth cousin twice removed whom I am almost positive that I’ve never met before.* Hi! Oh my goodness, how are you? It is so great to see you. It really has been too long. (I’m very excited that the last time you saw me I was so young that I was unable to wipe my own ass, I must say, I’ve come a long way). Yes, you’re right, it’s been almost 20 years. Yep, I’m a junior in college now. Philadelphia University. Yeah, the one that used to be the old textile college *Rando asks if I’m enjoying all of the design work.*  Nope, actually I’m a finance major. *Awkward blip.* Yeah, I’m enjoying it. I’m good with numbers, so it’s pretty easy for me… *Long drawn out silence. I put my hands behind my back.* Do I have a boyfriend? Nope, no boyfriend, that’s not something that I’m interested in right now. Um, no, no, that’s not what I meant. Yes, I know, it’s easy to assume in the 21st century, but no, I just meant that I don’t have time for a boyfriend, not that I’m not interested in boys. Um, yeah… *Varying foot shuffling, hands go in pockets.* Sorry, I don’t watch sports, so I don’t know what the score is… *Still not really sure what to do with my hands.* Yeah, the weather really did hold up nicely for the event (not that it f*cking matters since we’re inside anyway). *Long drawn out silence. Looking around the room for someone, anyone to save me from this most unfortunate scenario. After what feels like years, finally make brief eye contact with my mom, pleading with her silently from across the room to help me.* Okay, well it was great catching up with you! Really lovely to see you, um, I think I heard my mom call my name, I better go make sure she didn’t need my help! We’ll have to chat some more later (Like 20 years from now, later)!


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