Police Officer Maz

I know my rights and I know a lot about the judicial process. I spent of ton of time in court when I was a teenager. No, I was not a derelict, I was an active participant in mock trial when I was in high school. I have taken numerous law classes over the past few years. I also know that there is a such thing as citizens’ arrest.

And let me tell you, not a day goes by where I don’t wish that I had a pair of handcuffs so that I could arrest someone on the spot and send them to prison for sheer stupidity alone.

Unfortunately, stupidity isn’t a crime and I have to let the perpetrators go on their way.

Yesterday, as I was trying to enjoy a lovely afternoon with my friends at the theatre, the most obnoxious and stupid family strolled in and sat in our section.

First of all, it was a family of about 10 people, adults and children. They walked into the theatre exactly 15 minutes before the show was to start. They didn’t seem too sure exactly what they were doing. Their seats were split up too. They had a few in one row, two more in the row behind that, and a few more in the row right behind myself and my friends. The show is about to begin and low and behold, they still haven’t really situated themselves.

The show starts. The lights dim, the overture plays. They are trying to take pictures of the stage and the kids can’t decide what adult they want to sit with, so they are running up and down the steps and carrying on.

At the same time all of this is happening, we come to find out, the few family members in the row below us had taken someone else’s seats; their seats were on the other side of the mezzanine, so again everyone begins to re-situate themselves. Keep in mind, the show has already started!

Just my luck, the cryer decides to sit with his mommy, behind me. He proceeded to talk, whine, cry and kick the seat of my friend who was next to me, the entire first act. After many pointed glances and a few “be quiets,” I had just about enough of these people. Not only was the mother not quieting her son or removing him from the situation, she was cooing at him and making even more noise than him. Somehow, I manage to make it through the first act and during intermission the people get up and give us a moment of quiet without little kids breathing down our necks. We thought that it couldn’t get any worse and we would just try to ignore these obnoxious people for the remainder of the show.

Boy were we wrong.

The lights dim, the entr’acte starts to play and guess who’s not back? Pocahontas (the mother, who had on the ugliest dress I have ever seen in my life. It looked like it was trying to have native American influence in the way that the garment was structured, but just ended up being a spandex sweater dress with fringe at the bottom which probably fit her correctly five year ago, but she now has a small child and her body has changed a lot since the last time it looked flattering), Christmas dad (The father, who I’m assuming tried to get discounted tickets for wearing the ugliest Christmas sweater that I have ever seen, and not ugly in a hipster way, just ugly. If he didn’t get discounted tickets, I really hope it was because he lost a bet) and the rest of the little, stupid, annoying clan.

Halfway through the first number of the second act they all leisurely stroll back in. They once again take ten-fifteen minutes to sit and arrange themselves. Children’s feet are hitting the backs of our seats. The whining and crying over the lap on which each kid will sit drones on. Furthermore, they have purchased the noisiest drink I have ever heard. Pocahontas (who was seated behind me) kept swishing her drink around, making the ice hit the sides of the cup. Christmas Dad had a rather loud candy wrapper, being crinkled at a constant rates of every 45 seconds. None of this is to even mention the laugh that came out of Pocahontas after each minuscule glimmer of a joke on stage; including the four or five times where Pocahontas was the only one in the entire theatre laugh-screeching.

Being the mild-tempered person that I am, I just silently hexed them and hoped that they would be escorted from the theatre for their blasphemous actions. Unfortunately, my voodoo magic was weak at the moment.

I just don’t understand how people are so inconsiderate. If I had my own prison, the whole family would be doing twenty to life with no chance of parole, because honestly, just stay home. Don’t bring little children to a theatre where they are going to be bored after one number. Don’t expect them to keep quiet or sit still. Don’t walk into a show during the middle of a number, it’s rude. Don’t be the loudest you could ever be when you are surrounded by people who are intent on understanding the plot of the musical. Just don’t be stupid. Buy a DVD and stay home, because if I missed half of the show because of your actions… what tiny fraction of it is there a chance that you could have possibly seen? In other words, politely go f*ck yourselves.


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