An Ornamental Discovery

Have you ever really looked at your parents Christmas tree? I mean really, really looked at it. The intricate detail that goes in to placing the ornaments and disbursing the tinsel? It is amazing. Actually, I was so amazed by it that I had to get closer today. I looked at all of the ornaments, probably for the first time in years. I had forgotten about some and have never seen some of them.  I made some fascinating discoveries on my own and asked my mom a ton of questions.

This is what I found:

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This little troll of a ballerina is one of three. I received three separate ballerina ornaments from both of my grandmothers and an aunt. I can only assume that it is because they all wanted me to be a ballerina. What a colossal let down it must be for them that the closest I can get to standing on my toes is when I’m tip-toeing my way to the cookie jar. #sorrygrandma

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This thing: Sure, I guess it’s precious in meaning… but what in the hell is it? Is it a rabbit or is it a kangaroo. And for either response, why? Why did my mother have a kangaroo or rabbit ornament representation implemented in the Christmas decorating when she was pregnant with my older brother? And why does it remain?

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This was one of my favorites honestly, what a sweet message. Then I turned the ornament…

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IT WAS FROM 1984! That means it was from my parents. Who have been divorced for well over five years. My mom is now remarried. Why is this still put on the tree? Mom, it’s time to let this one go.

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If I wasn’t offended by the fact that we have a damn frog on the tree, I was most definitely offended that we have a blind frog on our tree. Where are its pupils? What did this poor ornament do to merit blindness. Is there some sort of Christmas message behind this that I never heard? #replytweet

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This one was super depressing. An angel ornament for our dog that died. How morose for Christmas. There is no reason to want a figurine representing the dog we’ll never f*cking see again. Why was this deemed appropriate? No one really knows.

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This one, I don’t really know, but it looks like it came out of a McDonald’s Happy Meal. Also, no one that I know of in my family river dances. Unless my brother has been prancing around in a Shirley Temple wig without me knowing it.

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Why do we need an ornament of our car (Blue PT Loser)? I am really hoping that this is just a really dumb gift given by someone who really didn’t know what else to get my mom. If not… How tacky.

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One, my Grandma made this. Two, it looks like that snow baby is practicing on the star before it takes its moves to the pole.

The Cock

Someone put a cock on our tree. Come on guys, really?

Happy Christ-Maz!

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