Out of My Way Teenage Dirtbags

What is worse than Christmas shopping? I’ll tell you, it’s post-Christmas shopping.

Before Christmas, it was mostly adults on a mission to find specific items at specific locations. There isn’t much milling about or meandering through the shops.

But after Christmas, it’s all preteens, all of the time. They lurk in large crowds. They are noisy and smell like body odor and disciplinary issues. They are always standing right in the middle of the passageways, so it’s impossible to get through. They are also always making exorbitant amounts of noise. They stand in front of Victoria’s Secret and giggle to themselves as the boys dare each other to go in and touch a bra. The girls are flipping their hair and walking around in circles with their Starbucks or Jamba juice, pretending like they actually are old enough to drive themselves to the mall.

The worst part is that when it’s post Christmas, most of them have Christmas cash since they are at that weird age where none of their relatives really know what to get them. So, they all flee to the mall after Christmas like it’s the only time they’ve ever been there. They go with no destination and no clear idea of how they want to spend their money. So, their pockets are full, but their brains are empty. They are like acne-ridden zombies who need constant attention, the flesh of the shirtless Abercrombie model and the unyielding need to be a public nuisance.

All I have to say to them: Out of my way. I can’t get into the craft store to get my new crocheting needles or into the candle shop to pick out a new winter scent. My list is clear. My destinations precise and my time, precious. So come back in a week when I am out of the country. I don’t have the strength to push through your horde and I don’t have the stamina to walk an extra mile to get around you. Your compliance with my request would be greatly appreciated by myself and the other *adults that have some serious shopping to tend to.
*Adults – A loose definition of the word, I’m saying, anyone over the age of 17, as long as they have shopping goals because I may be an adult when it comes to shopping (sometimes), but I still like to play Sims 3 for eight hours at a time on occasion, call it my child like spirit.

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