Mom and Dad and generally all other family members, I’m not proud of this.
*Screams with frustration*
Well, I believe that somewhere a while ago I wrote down that on my travels I wanted to kiss a boy from every country that I visit. And Scotland got the little green check this weekend. But can I just exaggerate the fact that when a cute boy kisses you and he’s bad at it, it’s like I lost faith in humanity.
If a not so great looking guy, or at least one that’s cute but not necessarily drop dead damn sexy gorgeous, goes in for the kiss and you let it happen for a minute or two, and he’s not so great, it’s like, yeah, sure, you can be a little disappointed, but you weren’t expecting much. Or the opposite could be true. He could be a great kisser and that bumps him up on the attractiveness scale by two points, at least.
But when a super mega foxy awesome hot guy, who happens to be really tall and blonde and blue eyed with a fantastic jawline and has an accent, and is basically every superficial thing you ever wanted in a potential snogging partner comes along, and he let’s the ball totally drop, I feel like I just… He just… I mean… I can’t… How? How did this happen? I feel like I’m pulling a Tyra, “I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU. WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU. HOW DARE YOU?” I’m not sure if there is a language barrier between Scottish kissing and American kissing (I’m thinking that we were definitely on two separate planets), but it was just so not good at all. Trust me, I’ve had some bad kissing experiences before, but this was hands down, the absolute worst of my life. It was so sad.
There’s a difference between a tasteful amount of tongue and you literally trying to touch the back of my throat. I promise, it tastes no different than the rest of my mouth. There’s not hidden f*cking candy back there. You don’t win a prize. No choir is going to sing for you.
Also, your mouth’s violent attack on mine really d*cked up my lipstick. Like, I had on metallic purple. That sh*t stains your face and I had to walk through the rest of the concert and back to my room at the hostel with it all over my face. Way to go, assh*le. The only saving grace on this one is that I know you had to do the same, so, KARMA B*TCH.