Basically Breeding Gremlins

Settle in fanz, it’s story time.

I am what I like to consider, very hygienic. I enjoy a nice long shower everyday, sometimes twice a day. Environmentally friendly fanz; sit down (I recycle and make up for my water usage in other ways). I do this for my mental health. A shower is the perfect way to wake me up in the beginning of the day or de-stress at the end of the day. I get some of my best thinking done in the shower.

That is, I get my best thinking done in the shower when everything goes according to plan.

The other morning, I was not planning for my shower drain to get clogged.

I really can’t say that it would never happen, because I mean, hello; I have a damn lion’s mane on my head. I have so much hair and it’s no surprise that at some point, I would deal with the repercussions in the form of an over flowing shower.

Okay, so my bathroom is about the size of two phone booths smooshed together, and that’s being generous. I can’t do anything with the door shut because I feel like I’m trapped in a linen closet, so that being said, I shower with the door open, which has never been a problem until the drain clog fiasco.

So today, I was minding my business, taking my shower like normal, when all of a sudden I noticed that the water was getting really high. I mean, I was covered in soap, but in a panic, I turned the shower off. The water wasn’t going down.

Head to toe, covered in soap, I reach down and jiggle the drain a bit, hoping that will do something. Big surprise, it does absolutely nothing. I twist the drain lid and it pops right off.

Perpetually an optimist, I assume that this time I’ve figured it out.

Nope, no, not a chance. The damn water is still up to my ankle and has completely covered the rest of the bathroom floor. Oops.

Mind you, at this point, I’m still all soapy, trying to figure out how to get this damn shower to drain. So, I reach down to the now opted drain and start poking and pull it.

**Note to self: You are not a plumber, do not do things that you might not know how to fix.

The whole of the drain popped totally out, so now I’m holding this four inch PVC pipe covered in hair. Oh my God, EW, it was so gross. I didn’t want to touch it, so I quick throw it in the sink.

In the mean time, the water has drained out of my bathroom. Alright! Score!

So, I was quite chuffed with myself over that one.

But I still had the f*cking gremlin in the sink to handle.

I don’t own rubber gloves. So, it’s not like I could touch it with unprotected hands. Who knows, maybe it developed a nasty personality in the time it’s been growing in the drain, maybe it has teeth. I was not willing to risk that. So next best thing, I decided to handle it with q-tips.

Wow, dumb idea, because ew still, but I MacGyver’d up some q-tip chop sticks and got the hair monster out of the drain. Squirming and yelling a slur of profanities the whole way, got it to the trash can.

I somehow figured out how to get all of the pieces of the drain back in proper order and functioning as they should. Safe to say, I’m basically a professional plumber now, but please don’t ask for advice because my rates are astronomical, I can’t reveal my other plumbing secrets unless it’s for a small fortune. #yourewelcome


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