The 8 Steps of a Hypochondriac

I am one of the worst people at being sick. I don’t think that anyone is good at it, but I am particularly bad. I am a giant baby and a hypochondriac. And it seems that as I get older, it doesn’t get any better.

Each cold/flu comes in steps:

Step 1: Feel that little tingle in the back of my throat when I wake up one morning.

My reaction: “Oh god, oh, oh no. This cannot be happening. I’m not getting a cold. No not at all. I just ate something weird. Oh sh*t is my throat closing? Am I having an allergic reaction? No, no. Calm down, this would have happened much sooner to the time that you actually ate. I am definitely not sick, and if I don’t say it out loud it won’t come true.”

Step 2: Get to mid day, feel completely fine.

My reaction: “See crazy, I told you that you weren’t sick. Look how quickly that passed.”

Step 3: The tingle comes back with a vengeance that night, paired with a stuffy nose.

My reaction: “F*ck. I thought we were beyond this! I can’t be sick. I don’t have time for this! I have the whole world to take on and being sick was not on the agenda. I bet Beyonce never gets sick. This is horse sh*t. I’m never going to fall asleep because I can’t breathe. And if I can’t breathe, I’m probably going to die. I guess I should write a eulogy or something in case I kick the bucket in the middle of the night.”

Step 4: Repeat steps 1-3 for about two days.

Step 5: That point where you have a runny nose constantly, possibly a cough, definitely a sore throat, mild headache, slight fever.

My reaction: “Why is this happening to me? I am a good person. I don’t deserve this hell. I drink lots of orange juice. I mean, maybe I could sleep a bit more, but I’m young, right? Sleep when I’m dead, that’s what they told me. I just didn’t think I’d be dying so soon. If only I knew sooner, I could have had more tea or had some preventative cold medicine. This would have never gotten to this point.”

Step 6: When you just look like absolute sh*t. You feel like sh*t. Everything is sh*t.

My reaction: Sleep. Sleep all day.

Step 7: That day when you have to get back to work or class and you’re still not feeling totally one hundred percent, but you have no choice.

My reaction: “Buck up bronco. Get you’re sh*t together. You’re sick and it’s time that you stop complaining and try to get better. Let’s go to the store, buy some anti-cold/flu medicine and pave the road to recovery, it probably won’t work, but at least you can say that you tried.”

Step 8: Getting better.

My reactions: “See, I knew I could beat this.”

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