Every Single Thought that Runs Through Your Brain Prior To and During a Walk of Shame Across London

Oh my god.

Oh. My. God.

What time is it? What day is it? Is it still 2015?

This bed is actually like what I imagine sleeping in Heaven feels like. So much better than mine. So. Much. Better.

What part of the city am I in?

Where did he go? Oh yeah, I briefly remember him mumbling about getting in the shower. Hopefully he interpreted my grunt as “okay, you do you boo, you do you.”

My breath. Oh ew.

Where’s my phone?

I really hope that his roommates are gone.

God, I have to pee.

Maybe I can sneak out while he’s in the shower. No harm, no foul, right?

Wait, what’s his name again?

I really hope that there’s no doorman downstairs.

Do I smell weird?

Does it even matter if I smell weird at this point? I’m sure he’s already smelled my morning breath. Great.

Damn it. The shower is turning off. I missed my chance to sneak out.

How am I supposed to make conversation? Do I say like: Hey, I was really thinking that the only thing our sleepover was missing was a blanket fort? No. Absolutely not. That’s weird. Why am I being so weird?

It was so easy seven shots of whiskey in. Now it’s way past midnight and I’m a pumpkin again. My conversation skills are sh*t in the morning anyway, now throw in the fact that I am hungover and not exactly sure where in London I am, should be a great morning.

Alright, act casual.

Wow. He’s hotter than I remembered.

Good for me. Mental high five, drunk me, you did good.

Damn it, what is his name!?

He has to go to work. Wow, even more proud of drunk me, she picked a career man. Good thinking.

Oh wait, so like he’s going to walk me to the train station.

Okay. I guess. How bad could it be?

Sh*t. Really bad.

I didn’t realize how long this walk was going to take.

What do I talk about? Um. Quick, think of something.

“There’s a lot of parks around here, I don’t have many parks by me.”

Parks? Are you f*cking kidding me? Really? That’s the best you came up with. And not only that, you literally live 5 minutes from two of London’s largest parks. Idiot. Such an idiot.

Why are there so many people outside right now? This is unreal.

Did we ever even exchange names?

I’m just babbling at this point, I think I’m just talking to talk, is there even a point? I’m pretty sure career man thinks I’m a freak because my rambling is ferocious today.

Oh my god. That guy on the rollerblades, we made eye contact. He knows. He totally knows.

Why won’t my eyes stop watering? This is truly awful.

That mom with the stroller defo just looked me up and down. What lady? What? You’ve never seen a girl and a boy awkwardly walking to a train station together? I’m sure it’s quite common.

Thank God I wasn’t wearing heels.

Wait a second. Why are we about to walk through a mall?

A shortcut. It’s a shortcut he says.

15 minutes later.

Not such a short shortcut career man.

How come I keep laughing. Like I can’t stop.

He kind of looks like a Mark or a Ryan or something. Can’t be too sure and don’t want to get it wrong.

Is this real life?

I am wearing my clothes from yesterday, my hair, I’m sure looks like a rat’s nest and I’m pretty positive that I smell like a mini bar crossed with a boy who just played rugby vigorously for four years straight. And I’m walking through one of swankiest malls I’ve ever been inside in my life.

I guess it’s good that I can find humor in this situation.

Oh man. Am I still drunk? HA. That makes it even funnier.

Stop laughing. Get it together you look like a psycho.

Nope. Can’t stop won’t stop.

Career man is not amused. Whatever hater.

Seriously, what the hell was his name?

Is he walking me all the way home? At this rate I feel like we have to be close. Damn.

Wait, the glory that is the train station, I can see it, only a few more football fields away. So close. Then all the crazy can stop.

Oh f*ck me. How do you say goodbye in this situation?

Um. Do I go for the kiss, leave it at a hug? Handshake?

For f*ck’s sake. Get a hold of yourself. Act like a human.

You are acting like an alien. Get your brain right.


Safe bet.

Hug is the way to go. Especially since I still don’t know his name.

Alright, bye career man. Your flat was super cool, and you were pretty fly too. See you never again.

Well, at least that whole word vomit situation is over. I will never have to see career man again. Perfect. Honestly I’m so offended by how awkward I just acted. Who am I?

Finally made it to the safety of the train.

Look at the ground or you’re going to start laughing again. Freak.

Let’s leave this all behind now. Drunk me, she made some decent choices, but hungover/mildly sober me is suffering the aftermath of not taking part in many of those choices. Whatever. It happened. It’s over now. We live to see another day.

Fall asleep on the tube for about 6 stops.

Made it to my stop.

Oh. Piss.

I dropped a ring at career man’s flat.


One thought on “Every Single Thought that Runs Through Your Brain Prior To and During a Walk of Shame Across London

  1. Pingback: A Sequel to the “What’s His Name?” Saga | mazforthefanz

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