Wanted: MALE Best Friend in the Philadelphia Area

Something occurred to me as I was Facebook, Twitter and Instagram stalking myself the other day.

All of my pictures are of me and my girlfriends.

And don’t get me wrong, I love them. They are some of my favorite people in the whole world. My best friends, if you will.

But, what I really need is a new guy best friend.

My guy best friend, as much as I would love to take him with me when I move back to Philly, he’s got big plans to go to college and graduate and have a steady job and life or something really ridiculous like that. Ugh. So annoying.

Thus I am looking for a new applicant to fill the position for the other 10 months in the year when I am in Philly.

Job requirements:

-Must be a good listener, but unafraid to tell me when to shut the f*ck up.

-Must be a good time out on the town, whether it is to a house party or to the theatre or to a concert or to some obscure place that you probably think is weird.

-Similar interests would be great, so applicant must like the following: Harry Potter, super hero movies, eating icing out of the jar, platonic cuddling, Netflix binging shows like Suits, The Office, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, etc., visiting the zoo to see baby otters, dancing (with or without music), singing along to every song that comes on the radio (whether you know the words or not), long drives in the middle of the night, cool group costumes on Halloween (I’m being Marty McFly this year, I need a Doc), shopping for 15 minutes because I usually get bored beyond that, and other things that will come up along the way.

-Learn my birthday. It’s important, and I expect an Instagram post saying how glad you are that we are friends and that you want me to have the best day of my whole life because I deserve it.

-Be ready to be my date to all future weddings, family barbecues, baptisms, birthdays, etc., and be asked if you’re my boyfriend, and don’t get offended when I laugh.

Job Perks:

-Endless entertainment because I am damn hilarious.

-Female perspective that is unbiased and holds no punches, plus I can tell you what that girl’s text messages and subtweets actually mean.

-Baked goods, I’m excellent at cookies.

-I live about 2 seconds from campus, so when you pull an almost all-nighter at the library and can’t make it all the way home on a Tuesday and have to go to an 8 AM on Wednesday, I have a giant couch, you’re welcome. (Assuming you don’t live on campus, also assuming you go to my university.)

-I don’t cry. So you don’t have to deal with that sh*t.

And if all of those things didn’t seal the deal for you, I’ll leave you with this last thing to think about:

I’m one of those friends who would bail you out of jail or pick you up in the middle of the night if you’re too drunk and just want Wawa mac n’ cheese.

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