Things My Sober Summer Self Wants My Drunk Summer Self to Know

Hey Malibu Barbie~

First, let’s start with the obvious. That’s not your nickname because you look like the plastic doll. They’re calling you that because you’re about two Malibu and Coke Mixers away from passing out in the pool.

Just wanted to check in on a few things:

We’ll start with: What the hell happened to the post Europe detox that you were supposed to be having? So far, the longest the detox has lasted is three days until you give yourself a free pass because it’s “summer and you’re worth it.” That excuse only lasts so long. Two more months to be precise

Now, let’s move on to some safety things: Swimming while drinking. Not a very wise choice. Even with friends, you bring the drink in the pool with you and fail to realize that you’re now consuming chlorinated-watered down-spritzers once your hand has dropped below the surface level of the water. Worse yet when, let’s be real, you’ve probably peed in the pool because once you break the seal, there’s no going back and who has time to get out and try to figure out how to disengage your bathing suit? So, now you’re also officially on the same level as Bear Grylls, but you don’t have the excuse of possible dehydration in a desert.

This isn’t to say that you won’t get dehydrated, because you will. The pool is not going to “re-moisturize you through your skin.” Science doesn’t work like that, even if you want it to. If anything, you’re losing more hydration the longer you spend swimming around trying to perfect your synchronized swimming routine. News flash. It’s not synchronized swimming if you’re the only one doing it. Then it’s just you spinning around in the pool looking like an ungraceful dolphin.

Something else, when you sat down for the day and planned out your meal schedule, it didn’t include that 1 AM trip to McDonald’s or the Big Mac that you inhaled. You know it’s especially a problem when you wake up with a fat lip and the only thing that you think could have caused it was the velocity at which you shoved fries in your face.

I think that it’s time that you commit to the detox, if only for another four days (because Fourth of July is actually a freedom pass).

Get your sh*t together lady.

XO, Maz


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