Levels of Holiday Food Regret

So, holidays are wonderful, the fourth of July is no different. There is music, festivities and most of all food. Every holiday celebration I have ever attended has been deep rooted and cemented by the fact that there is great food, and on Fourth of July, we whip out all of the classic American barbecue dishes and then some.

The food is wonderful and tastes delicious, but there comes a point where enough is enough.

Step 1: Hunger: You have a genuine hunger. You woke up, probably after having not eaten for about 8-12 hours. You’re ready for breakfast or food or something, but you tell yourself that you will be eating all day and that you should wait for the guests to arrive and the food to be set out.

Step 2: Starving: By about 1 o’ clock, if you still have stuck to your guns about waiting to eat, you’re famished. You’re probably hungry and you need some sort of sugar in your system before an inevitable crash. So, you have some chips that were set on the counter.

Step 3: Mildly Hungry: You’ve had a little hold-me-over snack. Now the party has started and the appetizers are out. It’s a free for all. You try every single appetizer, twice, because, you know what, that’s basically lunch and you have eaten all day.

Step 4: Satisfied: You are content with how much you ate. You really don’t need anything else because you’re pretty full after two rounds of buffalo chicken dip and a big helping of potato salad.

Step 6: Stuffed: Someone yelled “burgers are up,” you had no choice but to respond, it would be rude not to. So, you have a burger, and probably more potato salad.

Step 7: Ready to Burst: So, now you have had way more than your fill. You probably are ready to go into a comatose state and nap for about 12 hours. You might have trouble moving, you probably need to unbutton the button on your jeans or pants. You’re definitely not up for any more food. But then, dessert happens. You can’t resist those cookies made with “love” (more accurately made with crack because those things are addicting). You say you’re going to have one, but one quickly turns to 4 because “everyone has room for dessert.”

Step 8: Add a Dash of Liquor: Now, you’ve consumed what you’re thinking is literally half of your body weight in food and dessert. You are so done. You’re probably super uncomfortable. But then, they tell you that it’s time to play beer pong. Naturally, you rally. You get yourself off of the couch and make your way over to the beer pong table. As if the food, plus food, plus food, plus food, plus dessert wasn’t enough, you’re going to top off your “meal” with some heavy her consumed in quick quantities.

Step 9: Regret the Day You Were Born: You realize that all of the food in your stomach inhibits you from getting any type of buzz and as you crawl into bed that night, you stare at the ceiling and wonder if you’re going to throw up right now, wake up in the middle of the night and puke or just save the hassle of moving to puke until the morning. All of the foods, while delicious separate of each other, have concocted the worst possible stomach ache and you’re pretty much ready to die. You have all of the undesirable qualities of a nasty nauseous hangover and you hate yourself for having had 2-6 of everything, but at the same time, it was delicious and you want to say, “no regrets” but the way you are feeling makes you think other wise.

I have never felt more disgusting in my life and being radically serious, I don’t think I’ll be able to eat for approximately 2 days. Happy 5th of July Fanz.

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