How to Eat Ice Cream Like a Human

Prior to becoming self-employed, in the course of my life, I have spent 3 summers working at an ice cream store on the boardwalk in Hometown, NJ. And in that time, I have watched many a people suffer from what I like to call “Ice Cream Stupidity.”

Ice Cream Stupidity occurs when people do stupid sh*t with their ice cream cones. They like to dive right into the top of a cone and then complain when they start to get chocolate running down the sides of their hands. They liked to look at me like it was my fault.

But no. B*tch, you is stupid.

Then there were the overzealous “lickers” that would knock their ice cream straight to the floor and demand a new cone.

Really?… Really?

I don’t understand what is so complicated in this process.

The cone is prepared for you, if it is a soft ice cream, you start at the bottom and work your way up, so you avoid the sticky trail of sugar running past the cone onto your forearm. If it’s a hand-dipped ice cream, don’t thrust your tongue at it with the force of a Spartan warrior and then act confused when the snack tumbles off the cone and to the floor. We know who’s fault this was, so don’t run to me and say that I didn’t prepare it correctly. How about this? You didn’t eat it correctly. Do not blame you ice cream stupidity on those around you. It’s no one’s fault but your own.

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