Why You Never Get Super Wasted At Your Own University’s Parties

Hello Fanz,

Welcome back to the hungover world of mazfrothefanz.com. Just another Saturday morning, stumbling to a way-too-early train on my way to get to a new-old town. It’s like Europe, but way less glamourous.

Here’s the run down.

I went to a college party last night.

Not just any college party. It was a college party hosted by my peers.

Like, a campus party if you will.

And I would just like to go over some things about going to your own university party in case any one forgot:

  1. Best option: Just don’t go. Or if you do, don’t be the one dancing on tables, puking, punching walls, crying or very publicly making out with someone who has an established significant other. Especially, don’t be someone who does a combination or all of those things in one go.
  2. If you decide to go; have some drinks, but keep it low key. Mingle with friends. Don’t be the life of the party, unless you actually are the life of the party; invited and established in said title.
  3. DO NOT grab that guy on the baseball team’s ass. There are only 2,000 something people that attend your university. He’s going to remember you on the first day of class, especially when you sit next to each other in Investment Analysis, since all the hot/straight guys are business majors too.
  4. DO NOT get shut out in beer pong. You will be forced to do a naked lap around the house, so save yourself that shame. If you’re not good, don’t play.
  5. DO NOT make out with your professor’s son. Your professor will find out, somehow, and it will be reflected in your grade.
  6. DO NOT steal anything (major). A lighter or an ashtray, sure, maybe. But don’t take their cable box. That’s rude.
  7. DO NOT go home with anyone, other than who you went to the party with. Especially, do not fall into the trap of going back to freshman dorms with the freshmen RA. That’s embarrassing and one of your friends will catch you walking home in the morning.
  8. DO NOT get caught on camera doing any of the above, it will be sent out as a campus blast and you will never live it down.

Follow these simple rules and you too can live to see another beautiful day, walking around your own university campus. Don’t follow these rules, you’ll be hungover and receiving text messages for about a week, or until someone else makes an ass out of themselves.

If you really want to break the rules, just make sure that you do it on someone else’s campus.

Best of luck in your party endeavors. Keep it wild, ya filthy animals. XO, Maz


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