To the Man I Promised Myself I’d Never Write to Again~

Hi,

No extra “i”s in “hi” this time. I won’t drag it out.

No flirting. No jokes. No games.

It has to be done. I can’t cry over you anymore.

Not when I’m drunk. Definitely not when I’m sober. It has to be done.

I can’t keep setting myself up for failure with other guys because I always come back to my “what if” and the great, though brief time we had.

I can’t keep pursuing situations that I know will never pan out because they’re safer than opening myself up to a potentially promising scenario that could potentially not work out and make me feel like sh*t.

I can’t keep pushing people away because I don’t want them to know how much this still affects me.

I can’t keep lying to myself, over and over again. I cared about you. I really, honestly did. And I still do. And it scares me and it hurts like a motherf*cker.

Yes, I’d say that largely, the reason I care about you so much is because of how in love I was with myself and where I was in life. You happened to be there during that time period, a time that took my world by storm especially when I hadn’t been that happy in a very long while. Your place in that happiness still holds such a special spot in my heart and mind. That is something that I will never forget or allow to be diminished.

But the reality check I need to force myself to see is that beyond the memories, it has to be done.

No more texting you at 2 AM. No more crying and blaming it on every reason but the truth. No more holding this picture of something that was “amazing” in my head and comparing everything else to it.

It’s time to move on. It’s time to realize that even though I can still care about you; I have so much more of me to give to someone that isn’t a “what if” or a “maybe one day”.

I need to focus on the now. I need to focus on the people in front of me.

And if “maybe one day” comes at a time where we are both ready for it. That would be incredible, but it’s time to stop depending on the word “if”. It’s time to be done for a while. It has to be done.

Always I wish you the best,

M.

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