I Wish I Was a Little Bit Taller

But I am a baller.

I don’t talk about what I actually do for my studies basically ever because I always complain that I don’t like it, but the other day, something weird happened. I actually liked what I am studying.

I study finance by the way.

So as dull as that may sound to others, for me, I’ve spent the last four years learning the intricacies of the stock market, stock exchange, international finance, risk diversification, and a whole list of other terms that could bore you to tears, as it has done for me many times.

But, I am on cloud nine because I had an assignment to do a crazy amount of research and recommend a stock for a real portfolio with hella money in it and my recommendation was picked up and it is making a killer return. In layman’s terms, we paid a little bit for it and now the stock is selling for a way higher price, so the portfolio is growing by the difference in the ending amount ($85) minus the first amount ($65). We’re making about $20 more per share than what we paid.

So, I mean, way to go to that company that I recommended, but really, way to go me. My intuition is strong. I’m a baller. I make mad money. I order strippers during my lunch break. I wear fedoras, have a cane and my pimp hand is so strong.

Don’t f*ck with me today. I’m the mothaf*cking wolf of Wall Street.

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The Mr. Something Chronicles: Part Two

Dear Mr. Something,

Hi. Me Again.

I’d just like to reiterate a few things.

You are damn charming and I find that I have a very hard time saying no to you. Yet at the same time, I know that I probably should.

I know exactly how much trouble you are.

You are not the boyfriend type. I got that without asking. And trust me, I can say with near certainty that I am not the girlfriend type either, so don’t worry. That’s not where this is going. But there’s just something about you, kid.

You don’t give me butterflies. You give me heartburn.

Hearing from you and being with you is like an intense adrenaline rush, since it only happens every so often. It puts my senses into hyperdrive. How I see it, it’s like the build up of an insane beat drop. The anticipation is there. You’re waiting for it. You’re anxious for it. You want it to happen. Then it happens and you’re still surprised at how crazy it is.

Whether your drunk *ss calls me to discuss a need for litigation over a contract that doesn’t exist, or we’re having a pick-up line war and arguing over who’s funnier, or playing two truths and a lie and realizing how poor you are at following the rules, you just seem to be one of those people that fell right into place as a good friend, who I consequently also enjoy kissing. So, excellent work Jeeves.

I look forward to not hearing from you for a stupid amount of time and then still agreeing to go out with you when you finally do call, because let’s face it, you’re fun as hell.

See you in 3-12 weeks. Maybe.

XO, M.

Every Thought That Runs Through My Head When I’m Not Listening to You

Is this b*tch almost done?

I really need to paint my nails. Maybe I’ll paint them black. I wear black a lot, it would match.

I need new clothes.

But I’m also hungry. Should I buy new clothes or food? It’s a tough decision.

Oh sh*t. I think she just asked me something. Um, quick. Smile. Ask what she thinks.

Okay, she accepted that as a proper response. Cool. I’m clear.

I feel so sorry for people who don’t live near a zoo. Otters are so important.

Do otters have the same visual spectrum as humans?

Do they see more colors than us? Or less? OMG What if otters don’t even know how cute they are? How do otters communicate with each other? Do they make noises? OMG, what if otters could text? What would they say?

Otter 1: LOL did you see Oscar do that backflip?

Otter 2: Yeah, he’s such a show off.

Wow, I wonder if any one texted me? Would it be rude to check? Do I really care?

Oh look, Danny texted me.

What’s up Daniel? Smirky face emoji. No I’m not free later. What about tomorrow?

Oh and Bryan.

Hi Bry. Did I do the homework? Hell no.

Do I ever do the homework that isn’t graded? I feel like he should know the answer to that by now.

Is that a strng personal choice? Maybe not. But I’m skimming by without many noticing.

F*ck, she definitely just wanted me to answer yes or no to something.

“Um…. yes?”

She gives me an incredulous look.

“I meant no. Definitely no.”

And she’s back to gabbing all over again.

“Look, it’s been really great catching up, but I’m kind of busy at the moment with some important stuff that needs to be handled right this minute.”

Then she goes, “Wow Maz, you’re such a great listener. Thanks for really hearing me.”

And I’m like, yep b*tch, no prob, I have literally no idea what you were talking about, but sure.

But really, I’m like “Oh, of course, anytime!”

 

An Open Letter to that Canadian F*cker~

Hey Guy from Canada~

Thanks so much for being perfect and then telling me after the fact that you live in F*CKING Canada.

You laughed at my bad jokes. You told me I was cute, which is my favorite compliment of all time by the way. You offered to climb a skyscraper for me at some point. Not really sure what that one was all about. You told your own equally bad jokes and made me laugh, a lot.

But then you had to go and live a long ass way away, and tell me that you were only in the city for a visit, which you don’t do frequently.

What’s so great about damn Canada anyway?

You don’t even know Drake. Which I find very hard to believe, you guys are both Canadian, you both probably like hockey and maple syrup and spend lots of Canadian Looney seeing Ryan Gosling films, Aye?

XO,

A Very Bummed Maz

Never Trust a Man Whose Name Starts With “K”

Maybe it’s a coincidence. Maybe it’s just a rule that I never knew.

But with the exception of one, every single man I’ve “dated” whose name starts with”K” is a total f*cker.

Like, I’m talking mega creeps; crazy, lunatic, psycho assh*les.

Specific case examples:

Case # 1: I had a K-named stalker once. Non-stop phone calls, text messages and double texts even after I said that I wasn’t interested. It came to the point where I was relieved that he had no clue where I lived because I was almost certain he would show up and knife me to death for blowing him off.

Case # 2: I had a K-named d*uchebag who liked to play mind games for a time. He was all about the hot and cold, the old fashioned, I’m gong to tell you that I want more of a relationship but then not talk to you for 2 weeks, then somehow make it seem like it was your fault the whole time.

Case # 3: The only exception to the K-name f*uckery is the one whom I fell out of contact with. So, he is unintentionally a f*cker because I miss him and that might be the worst one. Because Maz doesn’t do feelings.

So watch out for the Kyle’s, the Ken’s, the Kevin’s and the Keith’s because they’re out there and they are ready to ruin your life. (Okay, that’s dramatic, but they will at least ruin your day or week.)

I’ve Been 21 For 3 Days; I’m Still Drunk

Here’s a little GIFy story to explain how most of my week has been going.

The second I wake up:

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But, I go anyway because school is important. So then I walk into class and see all the people that have been coming out with me for the past 3 nights:

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When the professor asks if we’re all hungover:

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Because 8 jagerbombs later:

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But then I just laugh and laugh and laugh because actually we aren’t hungover:

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So, the solution?

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Great idea? Probably not. But:

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Everyone Has That One Really Inappropriate Friend

I am only semi-convinced that this is a world wide phenomena, but I have a great friend who I have such a weird but wonderful relationship with. We make each other laugh strictly by being vastly inappropriate and saying things to each other that I honestly probably wouldn’t ever say to anyone else. Most of the times it’s sexually charged innuendos or blatant remarks.

I compiled a few of our better conversations for examples as to what I mean:

A totally normal way for her to tell me that she’s ready for dinner:

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Catching up on the normal gossip of a first day of class:

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Helping her out by trying to set her up on a date with her crush who is in my class:

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Making sure she knows how good her crush looks:

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Then discussing how her crush and mine got in an argument:

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Her sharing our cuddlier moments with the world:

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Discussing avoiding unwanted situations on Spring Break:

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Then just plain telling the world the truth on why we are the way we are:

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You know it’s real when even your roommate/other best friend is in on it:

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