Things Not to Do On the RamVan

I’m a senior. I’m too GD old to be taking the freshmen campus shuttle, but I’m also too damn old to keep these legs walking miles to campus a day (Okay, exaggeration, but too lazy is most definitely accurate). But the more I ride the shuttle, the more I realize that so many people are doing it so wrong.

  1. Wait your damn turn to get on the bus. You wait for the other people to get off. It’s like an elevator. You’re not going to shove your way on just to have it clear out two seconds later. Just slow down, it won’t leave without you. You will get on. Calm the f*ck down.
  2. If there is an open seat behind me, across from me, any damn where on the bus, do not f*cking sit with me. This tiny ass bus seat is my personal space and you’re invading it. It’s only acceptable when there is literally no other seats available. Otherwise, f*ck right off.
  3. Say thank you to the shuttle driver, think about how much you hate riding the RamVan and realize that the driver is on it for an 8 hour shift. Be gracious, you rude little assh*les.

Follow these rules and you can avoid making everyone else’s time spent on that miserable glorified school bus just a tiny bit better.

B*tch, I Wish You Would

I am really a non-confrontational person, but when I hear that you are talking sh*t about me behind my back, it makes me feel even more sorry for you.

I’m sorry that I am not 15 years old and in high school anymore. Your words mean even less when I hear them from other people. If you have a problem with me, talk to me. We’re all adults here. Tell me about it. I’m sick of all the pettiness, avoid me, tell this person, whisper down the lane.

I really cannot be bothered with you as a human, and really couldn’t care less if you like me, dislike me, poke a voodoo doll of me with pins. I. Don’t. Care.

But just know, your pettiness reflects your character, not mine.

College is Hard

I don’t wanna. I can’t. Stop making me.

I’m at that point where I am so close to graduation, so it would be a total waste of an investment of $80k+ to drop out, but not gonna lie, I consider it daily.

College would not be so bad if there wasn’t homework and we got paid to be there. Oh right, so a job.

College is a job and I’m not even getting paid. And don’t whine at me with this bullish*t about “you get paid with grades and a degree.” No. That is not payment. That is good collateral damage after sleepless nights, billions of written words, grade haggling with professors, and so many meals not made by my chef/genius mom.

I thought that last semester was hard. I was a whiny lil b*tch because I was heart broken, I was eating my feelings and London was 3,500 miles away. But no, nope, I think it might just be that being a senior sucks.

I can’t d*ck around with my friends every single night because the thesis writing has amassed in not sleeping due to writing endlessly. I can’t keep drinking because my liver can’t handle it. Neither can my metabolism. I have to find a job because I have to pay my student loans six months after graduation. I have to pay rent and bills and still have spending money when my friends want to do adult things like having real conversations over a nice dinner. What the hell?

I’m over it. Can I be a junior again? Less commitment to adulthood.

 

The F*ck Right Off List

Ever have a person that you’d like to tell to “f*ck right off”? In my house we keep a list. It’s also know as a “Go List” because that person can just go. Just leave. Get out. Go.

This week the list is jam-packed. So instead of reaching out individually, I’m just going to do a massive F*ck Right Off List. If you see your name or something that could relate to you, it probably is you and you can f*ck right off.

-The person who throws trash in my trashcan. You’re disgusting.

-Final exams, studying for finals, final papers. Nope. Just go.

-Keegan, E#2, Jake From Statefarm, Val, Max, and other miscellaneous stupid idiots. 100% f*ck right off. Stop watching my snap story assh*les, I deleted you all for a reason.

-Mr. Something. You’re cute and it’s damn annoying.

-The person who broke the thermostat off the wall in my house. You’re a d*ck and now I have no heat or way to control it.

-That professor who gave rolling deadlines. I’m going to procrastinate forever. So thanks for nothing.

-Exercise. F*ck RIGHT off.

-Stress breakout, you are a gigantic d*uchebag.

-Pushy people who can’t leave me alone. GTFO.

-Donald Trump.

If you didn’t make this list. Thanks for not pissing me off this week.

 

 

 

Every Thought That Runs Through My Head When I’m Not Listening to You

Is this b*tch almost done?

I really need to paint my nails. Maybe I’ll paint them black. I wear black a lot, it would match.

I need new clothes.

But I’m also hungry. Should I buy new clothes or food? It’s a tough decision.

Oh sh*t. I think she just asked me something. Um, quick. Smile. Ask what she thinks.

Okay, she accepted that as a proper response. Cool. I’m clear.

I feel so sorry for people who don’t live near a zoo. Otters are so important.

Do otters have the same visual spectrum as humans?

Do they see more colors than us? Or less? OMG What if otters don’t even know how cute they are? How do otters communicate with each other? Do they make noises? OMG, what if otters could text? What would they say?

Otter 1: LOL did you see Oscar do that backflip?

Otter 2: Yeah, he’s such a show off.

Wow, I wonder if any one texted me? Would it be rude to check? Do I really care?

Oh look, Danny texted me.

What’s up Daniel? Smirky face emoji. No I’m not free later. What about tomorrow?

Oh and Bryan.

Hi Bry. Did I do the homework? Hell no.

Do I ever do the homework that isn’t graded? I feel like he should know the answer to that by now.

Is that a strng personal choice? Maybe not. But I’m skimming by without many noticing.

F*ck, she definitely just wanted me to answer yes or no to something.

“Um…. yes?”

She gives me an incredulous look.

“I meant no. Definitely no.”

And she’s back to gabbing all over again.

“Look, it’s been really great catching up, but I’m kind of busy at the moment with some important stuff that needs to be handled right this minute.”

Then she goes, “Wow Maz, you’re such a great listener. Thanks for really hearing me.”

And I’m like, yep b*tch, no prob, I have literally no idea what you were talking about, but sure.

But really, I’m like “Oh, of course, anytime!”

 

When Maz Has a Question for the Fanz~

Question:

What do you do when you know you’re being super annoying about something but you still can’t stop thinking or talking about it? Maybe you tell many different people about said annoying thing or maybe you keep bombarding the same person with it? My ultimate question is how do I stop annoying other people and myself?

For example, totally hypothetical and not what I am doing at all, say you come up with this elaborate idea in your head that one of the men that you may sort of like is purposely ignoring you but every once in a while throws you a “hey” and also says something in his snapchat story that you know that he would never say, ever, but you say and have said it to him multiple times; and you’re almost certain that he just indirected you.  Then you call in all the people you know to tell you if you’re crazy and most say no, but one says yeah, and you’re just like; gloomy emoji.

Again, that’s totally hypothetical, off the top of my head something that I think could potentially make someone annoyed or annoying.

So fanz: HELP. Tell me how to stop.

To the Fan Whose Friends Should End Slut Shaming~

Question:

I know that they guy that I’ve been seeing has no problem telling his friends some of the sexual things that we do, but I feel embarrassed to tell my girlfriends. I feel like they will judge me.

Answer:

That sucks. I’m not saying that in a sarcastic way or as an innuendo. I genuinely mean that it’s unfortunate that you should feel that way.

No one should feel weird or odd or judged for the things that they do, especially by their friends.

Whoever started the stigma that women who discuss sex and sexual happenings are sluts is not only a total assh*le, but also completely ignorant. If a woman is having safe, consensual sex or a pseudo sexual relationship, who the hell are we to judge her? Especially as a friend. When we sign on to friendship, we sign on to knowing the big things, as well as the littler details that sometimes, yeah, maybe we’ll cringe internally, but if they feel like they want to share with us, as a friend, we should listen with an open mind and a nonjudgmental spirit.

Give your personal opinion if it’s asked for, and if it’s not; keep your mouth shut and just be supportive. Don’t make your friend feel weird for something that they should not have to feel weird about.

XO, Maz

Questions, comments, concerns? Place them in my anonymous ask box:

http://ask.fm/mazforthefanz