An Open Letter to the Boy I’ll Always Love~

Hi, you suck,

You don’t actually. But I like to put you in your place from time to time. It just serves the purpose that I am in charge and have established dominance. I also know that you laughed at that, which is just another reason why I’m in charge of this situation.

You were the first boy that I truly loved outside of a familial tie. And don’t get crazy homie. I ain’t in love with you. I just love you, and yes there’s a difference, even though I’m sure that you’d love to argue that. Just shut it down now, there is a difference.

You’re the boy that I’ll marry when I’m 65, lived a whole life, had kids, became a widow and forgot what it’s like to talk to anyone besides cats. I’ll need company and I can put up with you extendedly. We do have a marriage pact, but I think we’re both way too hot of commodities to not be off the market by 30ish, so I won’t be Julia Roberts and you won’t be Nick Nolte. We won’t sing “I Say A Little Prayer for You”. I also know that you don’t understand that reference AT ALL, which is just one more thing that makes this work. I can tell you all the obscure movie references and you’ll tell me about all of the really great music you’ve been listening to, even if I think it’s sh*t at first.

You were the easiest love letter to write this week, because even though I don’t see you even nearly as often as I wish, I know that you’re always a phone call, text or FaceTime away. I know that if I need you for dumb advice in the middle of the drunken night, you give it to me straight, even though you know I probably will still make a stupid choice anyway. And you don’t judge me in the aftermath.

You are that best friend that time doesn’t erode. We can brush our teeth together and share your roommate’s face wash and still not be sick of each other immeadiatiately, shockingly.

I love you. Plain and simple. No strings attached, you know that I’m here at any single point that you may need me.

I’ll Try My Best, How Much Do I Invest?

M

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To the Guy Who Makes My Best Friend Sad~

What’s good, f*cker?

Have you lived a full life? Are you happy with the things you’ve done? Could you die right now knowing that you left your mark on the world? Because if not, you might want to get those things in line because I’m about ready to kill you.

Nothing is worse than seeing your best friend sad or upset or crying, especially nothing is worse than when it is caused by someone that you know is so not worth their time. Watching them trying to figure out what “they did wrong” makes me want to vomit.

You are just an assh*le who didn’t recognize this beautiful creature lurking right before you, and abide by their simple request, whether it be for space or for more of your time. So, basically, if I didn’t already think you’re an idiot and scum, I certainly do now.

I also can’t tell you how many times I tell my best friend to let you go. And just know, that if they ever do go back to you, I will bite my tongue since you’re already dead to me, but the second you slip out of line, you’re toast. I know people who know people. The Jersey Italians will know your address.

Signed,

A Supremely Pissed Off Best Friend

 

Everyone Has That One Really Inappropriate Friend

I am only semi-convinced that this is a world wide phenomena, but I have a great friend who I have such a weird but wonderful relationship with. We make each other laugh strictly by being vastly inappropriate and saying things to each other that I honestly probably wouldn’t ever say to anyone else. Most of the times it’s sexually charged innuendos or blatant remarks.

I compiled a few of our better conversations for examples as to what I mean:

A totally normal way for her to tell me that she’s ready for dinner:

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Catching up on the normal gossip of a first day of class:

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Helping her out by trying to set her up on a date with her crush who is in my class:

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Making sure she knows how good her crush looks:

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Then discussing how her crush and mine got in an argument:

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Her sharing our cuddlier moments with the world:

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Discussing avoiding unwanted situations on Spring Break:

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Then just plain telling the world the truth on why we are the way we are:

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You know it’s real when even your roommate/other best friend is in on it:

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Drunken Blog, Sober Thots

It’s currently 11 PM on Saturday night, I’ve just arrived at my friend BB’s house, I have not consumed a single drink. This is “stasis” as I’m calling it. We’re going to have a little experiment. See how my train of thought progresses once every half of an hour until eventually slumber encompasses me. There will be a drink count given, and a new topic discussed. No promises to make it beyond 4 entries. I may forget.

11.30 PM – Drink Count: Half a Bottle of Chardonnay

“You know you’re in too deep when your first glass of wine contains half the bottle.” –BB.

Topics of discussion: Having a theme song while changing your clothing (“Changing the world as I change my pants” to the tune of “Joy to the World”).

Having a closet like Hannah Montana and London Tipton’s mirror that tells her how she looks as she tries on clothes.

Our friend Mike shows up! Hey Mike!

Conversation continued: The odor of wine and it’s floral fragrance that ferments the room. Cutting the dry wine with fruit punch to give it the taste of the Hawaiian tropics.

“Mmmm. Tastes like I’m in Hawaii. Who wants to get lei’d!?” –BB

12 AM – Drink Count: Resting on the Hawaiian Chardonnay

“We’ve hit a plateau.” –BB.

Topics of conversation: It took a dark turn. We talked about cancer, sh*tting your pants as an adult, Disney World and discussing reincarnation.

“If I were to die and come back I’d like to be Idina Menzel’s hairbrush.” –Mike.

12.30 AM – Drink Count: Hawaiian Punch, plus a very largess rum and Coca-Cola9

“I can’t find the pan-cils.” –BB.

Topics of conversation: Having perfect pitch in singing, then the drink tray came out and the bottle had a killer whale on it, so we discussed my open phobia of killer whales in captivity which stems from the smash hit documentary, “Blackfish.” Then I tried to play the piano and it sounded like the dog on Youtube that plays the piano (AKA, bad). Then the conversation turned to Miranda Sings and the “Charlie, Charlie” Challenge. Which turned to us trying to find pencils in order to participate in the Charlie, Charlie challenge.

“I’m not familiar.” –Mike on Sea World Killer Whales.

1 AM – Drink Count: Settling Fruit Punch and Killer Whale Rum ‘n Coke

“’He said she ain’t have no nipples’ – Kevin Hart.” – BB.

Topics of Conversation: No Conversation. Just a straight half an hour of club style dancing, wall twerking and strobe effects.

“Margarita time!” –BB.

1.30 AM – Drink Count: Punch, Killer Whale Juice, plus Mudslides!

“We’re out of ice! I had to improvise!” –BB as she makes mudslides with ice cream instead of margaritas with ice.

Topics of Conversation: Tindering for dates. Taking pictures off the wall to avoid breaking them while continuing to try to wall twerk. The consequences of wearing a hood indoors at night. Ariana Grande and her attitude problems. How BB is Tinder famous. How Maz can’t snap at all.

“I said ‘LOL I already did!’” –BB on receiving a message about enjoying her wine.

2 AM – Drink Content: Fruit punch, whale juice, milk shakes and Tequila Shots

“I just threw up out of my nose, how does that happen?” –BB.

Topics of Discussion: The benefits of swearpants. “I feel like King of the Hill!”, “Where did my life just go?”, 80’s mashups are so the rage. Let’s do it. We can make an 80’s mashup. Like Glee!

:Now I taste all the tequila that didn’t make it down my throat!” =BB.

2.30 AM – Drinks: Everything but the kitchen sink and angry Orchard Hard Ciders

“I need to snort some soap to get the smell away” –BB.

Topics of Discussion: I gotta stand up cause I gotta pee. Ashton Irwin is a babe. Like. A lot. He’s so cute. Huey Lewis said that it’s the power of love that makes me feel this way. I want ot be Jesse’s girl, to make Rick jealous. None of my English matches are awake on TRiner. Whip it by Devo is amaze. You must whio it. What did we talk about> cannot be determined. “Cha” on Tinder. Are yoy even real? That’s not even a name. what? Sorry Noah. Comma comma comma chameleon.

“Excuse me. That is mot a name sir.: – BB.

9 AM –Drink Count: One Gallon of Water

“I have to throw out my toothbrush and try again.” –BB.

Know It All Syndrome

Is it just me? Or do we all have a friend that is a supreme “know-it-all”. They think that they are the smartest human on the planet and that everything they say is right.

It’s like, maybe this person is smart. Maybe they are a genius.

Don’t shove it down everyone’s throat.

I’m not saying that I wish they would act stupid, but when you are trying to discuss something of a higher plane of thinking, don’t rant on about it and then finish your thought with, “but you probably wouldn’t understand that.”

Because first of all, B*TCH, I MIGHT. I might understand it.

And second of all, I probably don’t care a single iota about what you’re talking about.

Like, if you are going to sit down and have a conversation with me about something that you’re interested in and try to explain how it works or what it means to you, that’s different. If you have a passion that you want to share, I’ll be right there, interest piqued. I’ll love how you smile when you can’t find the words to explain one complicated part of your pursuit. I’ll see the fire in your eyes when you finally figure out a way to compare the difficult-to-understand matter into an analogy that should make it “click” in my head.

But if you’re coming at me with a line of bullsh*t because you think it makes you sound smart and not actually trying to have a conversation…

Oh no. I’m out. Don’t you dare tell me that “I wouldn’t understand” because listen up assh*le, just because I haven’t gone through as many years of schooling or never took a designed interest in what you’re yapping about it doesn’t mean that I don’t have a higher understanding of different things. I have a different set of skills than you do. I also don’t choose to shove my intelligence down people’s throats (disclaimer: okay, sometimes I do, but it’s only when someone really pisses me off, I don’t want to talk to them or if my intelligence is thrown into question).

You can be smart without being a d*uchebag. To all the people out there with “Know It All Syndrome”, do less.

The Friend That No One Likes

As humans, we gravitate toward people like us, people that we share similar interests with, or people in similar situations as us. At first, friend groups are made up of everyone acting on their best behavior. Typically just excited to not be sitting alone in our rooms on a Saturday night.

In time, the friend group gets comfortable and people start to forget to act “properly” and instead show their true colors.

And in time, in every friend group there is that one friend that no one can stand.

It’s that friend that’s been in the group just as long as everyone else, but for some reason, they drive everyone else bat sh*t crazy. It has everyone weighing the pros and cons of disconnecting with them totally.

If you stay in touch with them, you have to deal with their annoying ticks or assh*le tendencies; but if you stop being friends with them, you’re unleashing them onto another unsuspecting group of people. And each group also has that sympathetic friend who will keep bringing that person back around, because they feel bad.

For example:

Friend 1 (Sympathetic Friend): Should we invite Sally?

Friend 2 (Sally Hater): Ugh, not Sally. She’s the worst.

Friend 3 (Sally Hater): But if we don’t invite Sally, we’ll have to deal with her whining about not being invited after the fact.

Friend 2: But if we do invite Sally; we’ll have to deal with her, in general, and Sally is an assh*ole.

Friend 1: But if we don’t invite Sally, all we’re going to talk about is the fact that we can’t remember who invited Sally to be our friend in the first place.

Friend 4 (Sally): Hey guys, what’s up?

Friend 2: Oh my god, hey Sally! We were just talking about you!

Sally: Really? What? Why? Is everything okay? Are you guys mad at me? I don’t get why everyone hates me.

Friend 1: Sally, calm down! Calm down! We don’t hate you. We were just reminiscing about how we all became friends in the first place.

Sally: Oh! Oh my God! I’m such an idiot! Wow. That’s like forever ago. We totally need to take a trip back to our freshman dorms and recreate some of those old pictures! Well, I’ll see you guys later! It’s Thursday, so pizza and happy hour, am I right?

Everyone else: Okay, bye Sal!

Friend 2: I forgot about freshman year! I forgot that Sally wasn’t always a psychopath.

Friend 3: Yeah, she was actually pretty cool at first.

Friend 1: See guys! She’s not that bad.

Friend 3: Oh no. She wasn’t that bad. At first. But then again; she hasn’t made out with your ex-boyfriend in front of you.

Friend 2: Or thrown up on your brand new shoes that you let her borrow; even though they clearly looked better with your outfit.

And then, the conversation goes on and on and on; because Friend 1 keeps trying to defend Sally and all the good times that you all used to have. Meanwhile, Friends 2 and 3 can’t possibly distinguish anymore good than they could bad. Mostly because it’s only been bad since after the second month of friendship with Sally.

And if you can’t think of someone in your group of friends that fits this scenario; you’re Sally.

This Is Some EliteDaily Sh*t

To My Whenever Friend~

I miss you. I miss you constantly. You don’t live anywhere near me. We don’t have the convenience of proximity to go on lunch dates. We don’t have the luxury of cuddling up and watching crappy movies until our stomachs hurt from laughing. We don’t usually even have the time to squeeze in a measly 20 minute phone call to catch up on life because we know that 20 minutes could easily turn into six hours and we both have so much sh*t to do; so we have to schedule a Skype chat two weeks in advance.

But it’s okay because you’re my whenever friend.

I know that you are there whenever I need you. Even if it’s 4 AM and I’m stumbling home from wherever I was and I just need to tell someone about the cute guy that I made eye contact with from across the bar, you usually hit me back within a few minutes. Or if I have a really weird question that I’m too embarrassed to google, you normally come in clutch with the answer, or shamelessly look it up for me.

You’re there whenever I need someone to share happy things with. You’re there whenever I’m sad and need someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright.

And whenever we finally do get to see each other face to face, it’s like we spent no time apart at all. We can d*ck around, we can have deep conversations, we can make confessions that we couldn’t tell each other over the phone, for fear of being overheard. We can make fun of each other endlessly without getting offended and we can give each other tough love when it’s necessary.

Call me whenever. But, that goes without saying. I love you and I just hope that if you need me, you know that I’m your whenever friend too.

XOXO, M