Octogenarian at 20

I’m starting to think that I just might be an old person trapped in a young person’s body. I have a lot of free time, so it’s kind of like being retired, I guess, and this makes me act like a person about four times my actual age of 20:

I frame my schedule around doctor’s appointments.

When friends invite me out or over, I normally have to make my decision based on whether I will have to drive in the dark, and if the answer is that I do, I don’t go.

I lifted a box up some steps in my new house the other day and woke up feeling like I ran a triathlon.

I fall asleep by or before 10.30 and then wake up at promptly 7 AM, alarm or not. It’s clockwork.

I find myself saying things like: “Kids these days…” or “When I was your age…”

I see previews on TV for movies and decide that I’ll wait for it to come out on DVD, just to avoid being subjected to other people talking or so I can pause it to go pee, instead of missing out on an important part.

I bring a sweater with me virtually everywhere, just in case I get cold.

I look forward to my mid-day nap.

I’m SO old.

On the other hand, this brief retirement will last for about another week, then my senior year of college will be underway and lots of youthful things are happening. I move into my new house, I turn 21, I have a crazy amount of electives first semester and then I graduate in under a year. So, I’m allowing myself to act 80 for this brief time, an dwell probably miss it in about 6 months.

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I Hate Breathing Through My Mouth

Fun fact, here I am, in London, sick, once again.

I know that I have posted about this before, but I just really hate being sick.

I hate breathing through my mouth.

I hate having to pack up all of my stuff at the library, just so I can go to the bathroom to blow my nose.

I hate how it looks like I’m crying because my eyes are watering so much, I swear, I’m not, you can stop asking if I’m okay.

I hate that I’m so tired. Like no. I just slept for 12 straight hours, but I need to have a nap at 2 PM to get through the rest of the day.

I hate that I feel like I’m dying, even though it’s probably only just a cold.

I hate that this sickness has made my level of production decrease by about 85% since last week.

I hate that I’m leaving in 2 days for Spring Break and that my immune system needs to really work itself out or else, I’m going to be real pissed.

I also hate that my being sick has made me bitter and complain-y.

So, I am going to try my damnedest to get back on track for the fanz. No more b*tching and whining, only when it’s truly necessary. I am making the promise to be more optimistic the rest of the week! Hope that you’re still with me!

How To Wednesday

I think that we’re all at that point where Winter just needs to GTFO. Some of us have been there for months, others are shaken by the snow still happening in March. But, did you know that it is very possible to have a beautiful summer day when it’s less than 40 degrees outside? And you can do it all from the comfort of your own bedroom.

Step 1: Turn up your heat. Like really high. Crank it all the way to hotter than the sun level, if possible.

Step 2: Turn on a California Road Trip playlist on Spotify or 8tracks. Which ever works as long as you have some Red Hot Chili Peppers and Modest Mouse on the play list. At the exact same time, play an 8 hour clip of waves crashing on the shore from youtube. It makes it sound like you’re on the beach listening to music.

Step 3: (Only if your window has a lot of sun exposure) Open your blinds! Let the actual sun beat through the window. Absorb the vitamin D. Fun fact, you actually can tan through a window. It takes basically forever, but it is possible. (If no sun, just turn on a ton of lights, make it bright.)

Step 4: If you haven’t already, just take off your pants. You will feel all the better for it. And who even wears pants in summer any way?

Step 5: Put on sunglasses. You’re probably in your room by yourself anyway. Who cares that you look like a total d*uchebag?

Step 6: Sit back a be totally enthralled that for a second, you actually forgot that it’s freezing outside.

You’re welcome. XOXO, Maz

The 8 Steps of a Hypochondriac

I am one of the worst people at being sick. I don’t think that anyone is good at it, but I am particularly bad. I am a giant baby and a hypochondriac. And it seems that as I get older, it doesn’t get any better.

Each cold/flu comes in steps:

Step 1: Feel that little tingle in the back of my throat when I wake up one morning.

My reaction: “Oh god, oh, oh no. This cannot be happening. I’m not getting a cold. No not at all. I just ate something weird. Oh sh*t is my throat closing? Am I having an allergic reaction? No, no. Calm down, this would have happened much sooner to the time that you actually ate. I am definitely not sick, and if I don’t say it out loud it won’t come true.”

Step 2: Get to mid day, feel completely fine.

My reaction: “See crazy, I told you that you weren’t sick. Look how quickly that passed.”

Step 3: The tingle comes back with a vengeance that night, paired with a stuffy nose.

My reaction: “F*ck. I thought we were beyond this! I can’t be sick. I don’t have time for this! I have the whole world to take on and being sick was not on the agenda. I bet Beyonce never gets sick. This is horse sh*t. I’m never going to fall asleep because I can’t breathe. And if I can’t breathe, I’m probably going to die. I guess I should write a eulogy or something in case I kick the bucket in the middle of the night.”

Step 4: Repeat steps 1-3 for about two days.

Step 5: That point where you have a runny nose constantly, possibly a cough, definitely a sore throat, mild headache, slight fever.

My reaction: “Why is this happening to me? I am a good person. I don’t deserve this hell. I drink lots of orange juice. I mean, maybe I could sleep a bit more, but I’m young, right? Sleep when I’m dead, that’s what they told me. I just didn’t think I’d be dying so soon. If only I knew sooner, I could have had more tea or had some preventative cold medicine. This would have never gotten to this point.”

Step 6: When you just look like absolute sh*t. You feel like sh*t. Everything is sh*t.

My reaction: Sleep. Sleep all day.

Step 7: That day when you have to get back to work or class and you’re still not feeling totally one hundred percent, but you have no choice.

My reaction: “Buck up bronco. Get you’re sh*t together. You’re sick and it’s time that you stop complaining and try to get better. Let’s go to the store, buy some anti-cold/flu medicine and pave the road to recovery, it probably won’t work, but at least you can say that you tried.”

Step 8: Getting better.

My reactions: “See, I knew I could beat this.”

I Came to Scotland and All I Got Was A Lousy…

Although I had to deliver the immensely sad news that the beige trench coat is no longer with us in yesterday’s blog, I can also say that we welcomed a new friend into the overcoat collection! Since I still had an entire day in Scotland and no coat, I was really limited with my options. It was a bit chilly and I needed to really layer up!

Welcome this babe to the A-Maz-ing Winter Wear Line:

Definitely not wearing pants... because who even does any more?

Definitely not wearing pants… because who even does any more?

PonchOH NO YOU DIDN’T. Yes, yes I really did. I picked up this glorious blanket-esque plaid gem at a cafe of all places. It just looked so snuggly and warm. I can’t say that I was wrong. Hopefully after an appropriate amount of time grieving the trench, I will be able to truly enjoy its replacement. I may even come to love the poncho as much as I loved the trench. Only time will tell. But at the moment, I do truly love this; it’s the perfect amount of style and the perfect amount of warm! And that my friends is another Favorite Fashion Friday, all “wrapped up” (did you get that pun? Because I thought it was pretty good.)!

Scarf Barf

Happy Favorite Fashion Friday B*tchez!

I actually am a pretty avid hater on scarves. Well, maybe not hater, but I just don’t personally wear them often. When I do find myself in the market for one, I usually hunt the perfect one down for a while, which is exactly what I have been doing the past three weeks. Londoners love scarves! And, of course, trying to blend in, I needed the perfect scarf to go with all of my other outerwear. This is what I came up with:

IMG_0537

Scarf Level: Blanket

This little guy was £10 at Urban on Oxford Street (HULLLLO London shopping district). It’s got everything I could ever need really. I had to find the perfect match to go with not only my trench coat, but also my leather jacket and wool coat. This scarf was the answer to my prayers. It has brown, beige, black and white all in it. I honestly scavenged market after market and shop after shop, just to stumble upon this guy by accident. It’s so warm. It’s also gigantic. I feel very London when I wear it with my trench, like it just makes sense that I should live here. Also, since scarf purchase, I have been asked at least 6 times for directions by strangers. They think I’m a local. #jobwelldonescarfy

Loving London Fashion

So, this is definitely a favorite fashion that I have picked up in the time that I have spent galavanting around the streets of London.

Fancy a cuff and boot?

Fancy a cuff and boot?

Shoes and how they are styled are a major part of the London fashion scene. I wouldn’t be surprised if most people decided the entirety of their outfit around the shoe they will be wearing that day. Something that I saw over and over and over again was the pants cuffed with ankle boots, or some sort of loafer and sock combination with the pants cuffed as well. I would never try this in Hometown, NJ, because stylistically, they are all still at basic white girl status. I may have a little more lean in Philly with it, but they might ask me where the flood is. I would still do it though because I actually ended up loving it. The cross breeze at my ankle sort of cooled down my body, while I was totally bundled in my wool coat. So, all in all, it was fashionable and functional. I like to think that I was passing as a Londoner as I was zipping about town on The Tube, making stops at Parliament and Buckingham Palace.