I Wish I Was a Little Bit Taller

But I am a baller.

I don’t talk about what I actually do for my studies basically ever because I always complain that I don’t like it, but the other day, something weird happened. I actually liked what I am studying.

I study finance by the way.

So as dull as that may sound to others, for me, I’ve spent the last four years learning the intricacies of the stock market, stock exchange, international finance, risk diversification, and a whole list of other terms that could bore you to tears, as it has done for me many times.

But, I am on cloud nine because I had an assignment to do a crazy amount of research and recommend a stock for a real portfolio with hella money in it and my recommendation was picked up and it is making a killer return. In layman’s terms, we paid a little bit for it and now the stock is selling for a way higher price, so the portfolio is growing by the difference in the ending amount ($85) minus the first amount ($65). We’re making about $20 more per share than what we paid.

So, I mean, way to go to that company that I recommended, but really, way to go me. My intuition is strong. I’m a baller. I make mad money. I order strippers during my lunch break. I wear fedoras, have a cane and my pimp hand is so strong.

Don’t f*ck with me today. I’m the mothaf*cking wolf of Wall Street.

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Just A Tuesday Morning Reminder

You are in charge of your own destiny, so go be in charge of it.

Stop doing things because other people expect them of you. Do things because you want to. Do things because it betters you as a person. Do things because you derive pleasure from it. Do things that make YOU happy.

You don’t want to text that person back? Don’t text them.

You don’t want to listen to that song even though everyone else loves it? Don’t listen to it.

You don’t want to answer questions about that guy that you are sort of seeing when people ask? Don’t answer them.

You don’t want to find a job and move to the same city as all of our friends because they want you to? F*cking don’t.

Stop pressuring yourself. You owe it to yourself to be happy first. That other sh*t falls in line eventually, but you can’t give up your own happiness because others expect you to be a certain way.

Putting yourself first does not make you selfish. When you do things that make yourself happy, you radiate a glow, you put out an aura to others. Your happiness is contagious. So be happy and remind yourself that what you want is important to you even if it’s not what is expected of you.

Get out there. Be that person with 100+ unread text messages on your phone. Listen to songs from 2001 while you meet up with that booty call from whatever part of the world you’ve decided to explore. If it makes you feel good, do it.

To the Fan Who Needs to Go with the Flow~

Question:

I’m not really sure that I know where my life is going and I don’t know what to do about it.

Answer:

I feel this spiritually.

The first part at least.

Fan, I think that there comes a point in everyone’s life where there just not so sure about one thing or about anything for that matter. For some people, the realization that they have no idea what’s going on hits harder than for others. I think it’s called a mid-life or quarter-life, depending on how old you are, crisis.

But here’s the thing: most of us are just winging it. And not knowing the answer to every single one of life’s tougher questions isn’t the end of the world.

Somehow, we’ll get through and live to see a day where life happened in a way that maybe we weren’t planning for or expecting, but in a way that we needed it to occur.

XO, Maz

Questions, comments, concerns? Place them in my anonymous ask box:

http://ask.fm/mazforthefanz

It Took A While To Admit

Hey.

You might read this. And I don’t know if I’m okay with that; I guess that’s the price I pay for having a public diary. But I need this.

I tried to convince myself for months that I didn’t like you. I said, “oh it was just a fling, there were no real feelings involved”. I tried to tell myself that it was a convenience thing. You were there and I was there. Unfortunately, it’s not true.

I wasn’t and I’m not in love. Let’s not get crazy.

But it hurt like hell when you kissed me on that train platform just before midnight. I stood at the doors and waved until I watched you walk away.

And then months later; long after that last goodbye, I asked you if things would be different if I was still there, and you said, “yeah I think so”. And I made a sad playlist, cried and wrote you this blog.

You’re a giant “what if” and that’s enough to bruise my heart. I wouldn’t say it’s broken, because let’s not be melodramatic. But I want the time back. Or I want more time. I don’t know. Maybe we would have realized that it would never work because we’re both sarcastic assholes. Or maybe we’d be happy, still going on daily adventures and finding secret places where we definitely shouldn’t be wandering. Who’s to really know or say?

Always, I wish you the best.

x M

To the Fan Who Wants to Know My Reading List~

Question:

Who is your favorite fictional character?

Answer:

Well, there are many, many different routes that I can take with this question:

If we’re talking about books, I am a massive Augustus Waters fan of the smash novel, The Fault in Our Stars. Maybe that’s a little too generic, but I just loved everything about the character. He was hilarious, ironic and tragic, my favorite qualities in a book’s hero. I also think that the movie was perfectly cast with Ansel Elgort in the role.

Another fictional character that I love is Oskar Schell from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Although Oskar is only meant to be 8 years old, the reader finds themselves connecting with his journey and his battle and all of his odd little phrases and mannerisms, from “heavy boots” to making up inventive ways to curse without cursing.

If we are to revert to television, I obviously love Jim Halpert from “The Office”. I want him to be a real human and I want him to divorce Pam and marry me.

Pretty much anyone on the office is pretty great by me. Michael Scott, Dwight ShruteKevin Malone, Phyllis Vance. They are all such lovable characters, if not a little zany.

I also always loved Lorelei Gilmore. Maybe it’s because she reminds me a lot of my mom, minus the fact that my mom wasn’t a teen mom, but Lorelei and her relationship with Rory is pretty similar to how my mom and I are.

Now, in regard to movies; it was hard to think of too many of my favorite films that weren’t based off of books in some way, so I dug deep. I am a massive Bill S. Preston Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan fan, of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. I also have a deep love for Bud and Doyle of Bio-Dome. In all cases, we’re talking about total idiots, but you can’t help but want the dumb, yet lovable guys to succeed by the end of the film.

I get really attached to fictional characters, sometimes it can be an issue, because you hype up these “people” who are perfect and find yourself thinking why can you never find a guy like him or a friend like her. Well, it’s because they don’t exist. They are fictional and written to have all desired qualities. The people in rap life around you weren’t written in ink and made to be perfect. They are as they are and you have to accept them, flaws and all.

XO, Maz

I want to hear from you!

Questions, comments, concerns, jokes? Place them in my anonymous ask box:

http://ask.fm/mazforthefanz

It’s All Over Now

I just made a calendar specifically for paying bills and moved into my first house without my parents.

My life as I knew it is over.

I am a grown up.

I am one foot in the grave.

I think I just felt my hair start to turn gray.

I already have two fake teeth, maybe I should just get dentures put in.

Wait, does this mean that I have to stop watching Netflix for 12 hours straight?

I have to start being conscious of how many showers I take. No more showering for 45 minutes in order to sing the entire Beyoncé album.

No more standing in front of the refrigerator for 15 minutes and then deciding that I’m just going to order pizza.

No more leaving the air conditioner blasting for 24 straight hours.

No more ordering 4 movies OnDemand in one day.

I have to pay all of those bills.

I don’t know how to adult. But I’m certainly on a crash course to figuring it out.

The Burden of Being an Over Thinker

I read. I read a lot. I am almost constantly juggling four or five novels at once. I like to get all wrapped up in a good story. So, it makes sense that I have come to adore certain quotations and novels more than the rest. A certain quote that has stuck with me through many years and countless stories is from the novel Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by author, Jonathan Safran Foer. The quote reads:

“I think and think and think, I‘ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.”

A truer quote or novel about being an over thinker never did exist.

Thinking is necessary. Overthinking is a burden.

I am what you may refer to as a chronic over thinker. I am a giant “what if?” person, and I would say that in normal daily functions, I can control it; a few times in a calendar year, I will go into an overthinking frenzy.

I can start by thinking, “what if I cancel and reschedule my dentist appointment?” And end up at “what if they detected mouth cancer and if I had gone a week sooner I have a better chance to live?”

I can decide that, “I want to take an elective because it’s easy” and think myself into the fact that a “grad school will never accept me because I look like a slacker for taking yoga, then I’ll never get a job or make any type of money and then I’ll be homeless and have no teeth.” But I guess that negates scenario one, so that’s a win, I suppose.

I can work in the opposite way too. I can spend $2 on a scratch off ticket and before it’s even touched by a coin, I will have thought; “what if I win the grand prize? Now I can pay back all my student loans, buy a car, take a trip around the world and open up some coffee shop where all of the items on the menu describe your personality instead of an actual drink (I.E. I’ll have an “I’m a Morning Person Naturally” which is a decaf coffee with cream and a dash of sugar; or an “I Pretend I’m a Morning Person Naturally” which is a regular coffee with two shots of espresso, some cream and four sugars).” But then, when it comes back that I actually won nothing, I think; “now I’ve now wasted $2 and that money could’ve been pivotal in whether or not I’m able to pay my rent this month.”

I like to dissect a situation. I like to get right down to its core and figure out what the problem is, then I like to rebuild it with possible solutions and ending scenarios for any turn of events. I don’t like to think of myself as either an optimist or a pessimist, but instead a realist. And realistically, nothing is certain. And uncertainty is the biggest issue for an over thinker, because uncertainty means more possible outcomes.

What if I don’t graduate college? Or what if I don’t find a job when I graduate? What if I never pick a career that interests me? What if I never make any money? What if I don’t care that I don’t make money? What if I just want to live a life as a nomad? What if I chase happiness instead of success? Am I a failure if I don’t care about money? What if I make it big? Will all the money actually make me happy? What if I give everything up and it doesn’t work out?

What if I never meet someone to love fully? What if I never have kids? What if I have a kid but don’t know who the dad is? Will my family disown me? What if I can never have children but don’t know it yet? What if I have a kid who turns out to be an assh*le? How much of that is my fault? Or what if I meet my soulmate tomorrow? Would I be ready for it? Would I let him walk away because I think I’m too young? What if he wants 12 kids straight away? What if he’s an heir to some great fortune and we can travel the world on his trust fund? What if he’s broker than me (hardly possible) and we’re happier than church mice?

What if I have pizza for dinner? What if I really wanted Mexican, but settle for pizza because it’s what everyone else wanted? Is that symbolic of my life? What if that means I’m a pushover? Will I be a pushover in every aspect of my future?

What if? What if? What if?

It’s a sick, never ending chain and it’s enough to drive a person crazy.

I don’t ask that people understand it or analyze my analysis of life. I just need the people in my life to know that when I say I’m having a hard time turning my brain off, that’s exactly what I mean. I cannot get my brain to stop what if-ing. And sometimes; what if-ing makes the computer crash (by computer I obviously mean, my thoughts, my disposition and my general outlook on life). The computer crashes, we take it in for a hardware replacement (a thick dose of reality: “you’re ‘what if-ing’ yourself out of being happy again”) and a software adjustment (normally a long chat with my Mom) and life continues as if the computer had never crashed at all.

I never asked to be an over thinker and I’m pretty sure that it came somewhere in my warrantee that it was one of my issues, but if you signed on to have me in your life at some capacity; you can’t make this problem about you because first of all, it’s about me and second of all, the self-preservation in the form of passiveness sends me even further into a “what if” and “why” spiral. (Why are they being short with me? What if they’re mad at me? What if I’m being selfish? Is being stressed and a little sad a selfish thing? Why am I feeling bad for feeling how I feel?)

This is a problem that takes time and a certain amount of “I know I’m better than this” to get over. I wish that I could say it was an instant fix, but let’s be real, I need about a solid 5-7 days to “what if” and wallow until I wake up one morning and want to punch the mirror for how schlubby and stupid I feel for having let it carry on so long. So until then; just let me what if. I recognize that I’m being crazy and that’s at least step 4 in the recovery process. So just let me be crazy and don’t try to invalidate how I feel. I don’t walk around telling you that you have no reason to be happy, so don’t tell me that I have no reason to be confused or upset. People can be any emotion they want for any or no reason at all. Let it go. It’s not your choice and it’s not about anyone but the individual them self.