An Open Letter to Maz~

Hey girl- what’s up?

So…

Da f*ck were you thinking?

Like literally. How do you not see the symptoms of a man-child when they are staring you dumb in the face? He literally is 25 and funneling beer in his snapchat story. How on Earth did that not scream “hasn’t left his college days behind”?

He was seeing you because he wants to relive those good old days in the basement of the Rugby House. You should’ve seen that coming when he made numerous comments about how he hated those “frat guys” but the guys on his team were his crew and how if he hadn’t fractured his shoulder, he could have gone pro or taken them to nationals.

Come on.

You’re not stupid. Stop acting stupid.

Also, stop dating pretty idiots. Sure, it was fun for a few months, but what lacks substance brings no worth to your life. And those boys lack so much substance.

Get your sh*t together girlfriend,

XO, Maz

Top 10 Worst Ideas Had in 2015

So, I was thinking about it and I was going to write you all a list of the 10 best moments of my 2015 experience; but that’s so cliche and I started to yawn just thinking about it myself. 2015 was a wild year and I did so many amazing things, but I also did countless really stupid things and I thought that those might be a bit more interesting to read about, except for you Mom. You should just stop reading right there. So, I present to you, the top 10 worst ideas that I had in 2015.

#10: Decided to sign a lease for a house that I had to paint. In July. In a heat wave.

#9: Accidentally walking into “kinky night” at the bar and unintentionally making comments that could be construed as lewd because I had no idea what was going on.

#8: Fell down the steps at 10:45 AM on Homecoming because I just really wanted to dance on an elevated surface and the landing that was slippery with my champagne counted as elevated.

#7: Lost a ring at someone’s house. Pestered them about it. Constantly. Then come to realize six months later that it was in my denim jacket pocket the whole time. Not a terrible idea. But definitely a low moment. And an “oh f*ck” realization.

#6: That time I left my friend at the bar in an unfamiliar town to her by herself so I could go and get pizza. Thankfully it was just across the street, but that was definitely a bad friend move.

#5: The time I gave a guy my phone number and he ended up stalking me for a week. We’re talking multiple phone calls and texts a day and voicemails of heavy breathing; even after I said that I wasn’t interested, multiple times. Like, I’m sorry dude, I didn’t realize that I was your first kiss. I take it back, all of it, if you would just leave me alone.

#4: Not giving the hot drummer at Howl at the Moon my phone number, because damn.

#3: Went to the nightclub in Scotland with strangers that I met in the hostel, consequently forgot what they looked like and lost my coat trying to find them.

#2: Snuck into the barracks at Buckingham Palace. It was my last night in London, but my dumb ass could have gotten deported.

And the #1 spot goes to: Getting in the trunk of a smart car in a country where the common language is not English. I feel that it’s pretty self-explanatory why this was a bad idea.

So cheers to an amazing 365 days, and here’s to the upcoming wild 366 days. I hope your 2015 brought you something amazing even if it was preceded by a terrible idea. XO, Maz

Things You Shouldn’t Say to Your Mother

I just had to share this little story. It happened the other day and really got me thinking, no matter how close you are to your mom or dad, there are just certain things that you shouldn’t say to them.

So, now to the story:

Picture this, I am visiting my mom’s office at work. One of my very best friends happened to be visiting Hometown, NJ, and I wanted her to get the chance to say hello to my mom. So, we’re lounging in my mom’s office, shooting the sh*t, as it were. Then, my mom asks me, “So, what are you girls doing tonight?”

This is where you have to pay attention; this is where I tell you what you shouldn’t say.

In response to my mom, I so eloquently replied, “We’re going to go get drunk,” Okay, wow. Cringe. That’s pretty bad. Your mom doesn’t really want to hear that. But oh, oh no. It was so much worse than that. After I hesitated for about 2.5 seconds, I tacked on, “and f*ck guys.”

  1. OH. MY. GOD
  2. WHAT?
  3. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I have never in my life said that to anyone, and the fact that I said it to my mother. To say that I was mortified would be an understatement. I think that there is a strong chance that I forgot to breathe for a few seconds. My best friend obviously burst out laughing as I’m stuttering to figure out how this has happened.

My mom basically just face-palmed herself. She shook her head and said, “And I’m supposed to feel okay about you moving to London?” I was still so flustered at myself. I just choked out, “I mean, or we might go bowling.”

But there was no saving that one. I am still so embarrassed. Now to make fun of me, she ask what I’m doing and my best friend would scream, “Plan A! Definitely Plan A.” As someone who is not easily embarrassed, it really makes me blush each time. So, my advice to you, just remember your audience when your talking, because apparently my brain and my mouth were having a major disconnect and now I will never live it down.