Haters Gonna Hate, But I Can’t Shake It Off

In 100%, genuine honesty, I think that I am a relatively decent human being. I very rarely think to myself; “oh you’re sh*t. Just go back to bed, maybe try again tomorrow or don’t, who would really care anyway?”

I mean, yes. I know that I can be egocentric and sometimes hard to deal with, but in the times that those occurrences happen, it’s usually around my mom or my best friend who just understands that it’s a mini-phase that I will get over quickly; and then be back to my merry self.

In my every day life, I try to be humble. I try to be funny and fun and full of energy. I try to learn about the people around me and what interests them or at least something interesting about them. I try to make friends and enjoy being myself. At the risk of sounding egotistical, it’s usually pretty rare that I come across a person who dislikes me from the get go. But it does happen. And it has happened quasi-recently. I met someone who decidedly dislikes me as a person. And while I’m okay with the fact that they dislike me, what I don’t like is the fact that I don’t know why.

I have tried and tried to wrap my brain around why this person seems to have a general dissatisfaction with me, but I keep coming up blank. I’m not trying to be perfect or defend myself or make myself seem like a victim. Because trust me, being a victim is something that I will ever allow myself to do in this lifetime, but I can’t seem to recall saying more than three sentences to this person directly and there they are, constantly putting me down. I genuinely have no idea what I have done to be the recipient of such harsh comments and it really bothers me.

I could normally brush off a “hater,” but that’s usually because I know what I have done to receive their harshness. In this case, I feel totally in the dark. I hate that it bothers me so much. I hate the fact that I have no control in this situation and that I am seriously clueless when it comes to the reasoning behind the negativity. I hate it. I just absolutely hate it.

I know that it’s not one of those situations where this person is picking on me because they don’t know how to be my friend because, obviously, we’re not in grammar school anymore. We’ve outgrown that phase.

I just wish that this person could be adult enough to say, “You know, I have an issue with you because of reasons A, B, and C.” I would feel better knowing that there were legitimate reasons or things that I could potentially correct or apologize for, rather than being in this spate of unconsciousness to the problems that remain.

UGH. Seriously, drop me a hint, because I am certainly not a mind reader, and I don’t pretend or try to be either. Let me know how I can make this better. Maybe not for you, but for my own brain to rest at least.


The Green Eyed Monster

Jealousy is an ugly emotion. It is not fair. It strikes at random times and it makes you feel like sh*t.

There’s different types of jealousy too, some worse than others.

It’s like, if you’re jealous of a celebrity or someone with tons of money; you can just feel that jealousy for no reason. You don’t have to feel badly for coveting what they have. You can be a hater “just because”.

But, when you’re jealous of a friend, you have to take a step back and really think about it. Like, do you have a right to be jealous? It’s a giant challenge. I know that I should really be super happy for my friend, but I am so outrageously jealous that it clouds the other emotions and I just feel bitter.

I am so glad that they are getting what they want. And I guess it’s not that I don’t want them to have it; but I want it in my own way too.

I wish that I didn’t feel like an upset little brat and that I could just be happy for them; but let’s face it; jealousy makes me an upset little brat and I have a hard time feeling happy when I am feeling like sh*t for not getting my way.

Why Philosophy Can Suck My Left Toe

In my senior year of college, I have found myself, more than ever, not wanting to be here.

Surprise, surprise.

I am taking a ton of bullish*t classes that don’t have anything to do with my major but are totally required credits to graduate. Some of these bullish*t classes include, but are not limited to two separate but nearly exactly the same philosophy classes.

Philosophy is horsesh*t.

I find that I can say anything and it will somehow relate to something in philosophy. I told my philosophy project group that Kanye West’s VMA speech reminded me of the heated debate in Plato’s, “The Republic.” It went on and on in circles and no one could remember what the conversation was even about by the end of it.

I guess in a way, philosophy is a blessing in disguise. Since I don’t really want to be responsible for a ton of work; philosophy gives me an out to talk about nonsense and make it seem like I did the reading. The class involves a lot of open ended questions and a lot of head tilting/”oh, I see”-ing. As long as I can ask enough philosophical questions (i.e. I know that there are historic interpretations; but what is the deeper meaning of the text?”) my professors will be none the wiser. And I will be all the more rested after my naps.