When That Creepy Guy At Work Hits On You

We’ve all got one. It doesn’t make it right and it is actually totally illegal, but every office has a creep.

You walk into the office and immediately he’s like:

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And at first you can brush it off like:

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But her persists with creepy smiling. And now you’re super grossed out:

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Maybe he sends you a suggestive message on your office email, which has you like:

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And after that, whenever he merely side glances you, you’re like:

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Then he outright makes a pass and outwardly you:

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And you run to call Human Resources and explain the situation to them and how dire it is:

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And they finally say that they will handle it, you’re like:

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Have a great weekend fanz, and avoid the office creeps. XO, Maz

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To the Guy Who Stood Me Up~

Hello you assh*le,

Remember me? The girl you asked to meet you at 8 for a drink and then never showed up? Twice?

That’s right, not once but twice you stood me up. No text, no call, nothing. On Sunday I was annoyed and my feelings were hurt, but then on Monday morning I woke up with a text message explanation and an apology.

I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt because I’m not a cold-hearted bitch and I understand that things do happen; life comes up. We rescheduled for another day. So the second chance rolls around and guess what? You do it again.

Two F*CKING days later. You stand me up. Again. With no text message or response when I call you to make sure everything is okay. No call back and no explanation.

Then comes another lame-o excuse in the morning via text. Grow a pair man. You’re such a prick that you couldn’t even call me.

Well, I’ve got news for you: you are such an idiot.

I’m not interested in people who waste my time and I have way more self-respect than to let someone, who ultimately is irrelevant, treat me as someone who can be cast aside but will still come crawling back when he says a few pretty words. I’m not desperate honey, you should try someone with a little less backbone if that’s what you’re looking for.

In the long run, I guess that you did save me some time. I didn’t have to go down this long twisty path to figure out that you’re scum. You proved it pretty quickly with limited emotional engagement on my part.

Actually I feel pretty sorry for you. You missed out on your chance with more than likely the coolest and funniest girl you’d ever meet, not to mention the opportunity to witness my stellar ass in person.

Go f*ck yourself.

XO, Maz

The F*ck Right Off List

Ever have a person that you’d like to tell to “f*ck right off”? In my house we keep a list. It’s also know as a “Go List” because that person can just go. Just leave. Get out. Go.

This week the list is jam-packed. So instead of reaching out individually, I’m just going to do a massive F*ck Right Off List. If you see your name or something that could relate to you, it probably is you and you can f*ck right off.

-The person who throws trash in my trashcan. You’re disgusting.

-Final exams, studying for finals, final papers. Nope. Just go.

-Keegan, E#2, Jake From Statefarm, Val, Max, and other miscellaneous stupid idiots. 100% f*ck right off. Stop watching my snap story assh*les, I deleted you all for a reason.

-Mr. Something. You’re cute and it’s damn annoying.

-The person who broke the thermostat off the wall in my house. You’re a d*ck and now I have no heat or way to control it.

-That professor who gave rolling deadlines. I’m going to procrastinate forever. So thanks for nothing.

-Exercise. F*ck RIGHT off.

-Stress breakout, you are a gigantic d*uchebag.

-Pushy people who can’t leave me alone. GTFO.

-Donald Trump.

If you didn’t make this list. Thanks for not pissing me off this week.

 

 

 

Just A Tuesday Morning Reminder

You are in charge of your own destiny, so go be in charge of it.

Stop doing things because other people expect them of you. Do things because you want to. Do things because it betters you as a person. Do things because you derive pleasure from it. Do things that make YOU happy.

You don’t want to text that person back? Don’t text them.

You don’t want to listen to that song even though everyone else loves it? Don’t listen to it.

You don’t want to answer questions about that guy that you are sort of seeing when people ask? Don’t answer them.

You don’t want to find a job and move to the same city as all of our friends because they want you to? F*cking don’t.

Stop pressuring yourself. You owe it to yourself to be happy first. That other sh*t falls in line eventually, but you can’t give up your own happiness because others expect you to be a certain way.

Putting yourself first does not make you selfish. When you do things that make yourself happy, you radiate a glow, you put out an aura to others. Your happiness is contagious. So be happy and remind yourself that what you want is important to you even if it’s not what is expected of you.

Get out there. Be that person with 100+ unread text messages on your phone. Listen to songs from 2001 while you meet up with that booty call from whatever part of the world you’ve decided to explore. If it makes you feel good, do it.

To the Fan Interested in Reflection~

Question:

When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

Answer:

Thank you for this question.

When I look in the mirror, I see a woman, but I don’t see me.

I see blondish hair, blueish eyes, hips that might be a little too wide for some but work for me, nice lips, a killer pair of shoes, some blemishes and scars, eyebrows on fleek and other superficial things.

I stared at myself. I stared for a while. And I thought about how when someone doesn’t know me, that’s the first impression that they get. Only what they see.

When I look a little harder I notice other things too.

I see years of laughter in the lines near my mouth.

I see the future making me slouch by weighing down my shoulders.

I see bruises and cuts scattering my body from all the clumsy times I trip or walk into something.

I see a hint of skepticism in the purse of my lip.

I see a sadness in my eyes, which could be misdiagnosed as anger or detachment by a stranger.

I see how hard I work to try to look together most of the time, even when I’d rather be in my bed. Even when I’d rather be stuffing my face with pizza. Even when I’d rather look at videos of baby otters. Even when I just don’t want to see or speak or look at another human being for upwards of 3 years.

I see me.

XO, Maz

Questions, comments, concerns? Place them in my anonymous ask box:

http://ask.fm/mazforthefanz

Every Thought That Runs Through My Head When I’m Not Listening to You

Is this b*tch almost done?

I really need to paint my nails. Maybe I’ll paint them black. I wear black a lot, it would match.

I need new clothes.

But I’m also hungry. Should I buy new clothes or food? It’s a tough decision.

Oh sh*t. I think she just asked me something. Um, quick. Smile. Ask what she thinks.

Okay, she accepted that as a proper response. Cool. I’m clear.

I feel so sorry for people who don’t live near a zoo. Otters are so important.

Do otters have the same visual spectrum as humans?

Do they see more colors than us? Or less? OMG What if otters don’t even know how cute they are? How do otters communicate with each other? Do they make noises? OMG, what if otters could text? What would they say?

Otter 1: LOL did you see Oscar do that backflip?

Otter 2: Yeah, he’s such a show off.

Wow, I wonder if any one texted me? Would it be rude to check? Do I really care?

Oh look, Danny texted me.

What’s up Daniel? Smirky face emoji. No I’m not free later. What about tomorrow?

Oh and Bryan.

Hi Bry. Did I do the homework? Hell no.

Do I ever do the homework that isn’t graded? I feel like he should know the answer to that by now.

Is that a strng personal choice? Maybe not. But I’m skimming by without many noticing.

F*ck, she definitely just wanted me to answer yes or no to something.

“Um…. yes?”

She gives me an incredulous look.

“I meant no. Definitely no.”

And she’s back to gabbing all over again.

“Look, it’s been really great catching up, but I’m kind of busy at the moment with some important stuff that needs to be handled right this minute.”

Then she goes, “Wow Maz, you’re such a great listener. Thanks for really hearing me.”

And I’m like, yep b*tch, no prob, I have literally no idea what you were talking about, but sure.

But really, I’m like “Oh, of course, anytime!”

 

Why You Need To Be Literal When Asking A Guy For Advice

I love men. I really do. But my men friends drive me up a wall sometimes.

I was reaching out to get a male perspective on a situation involving a dilemma with a male. I wanted to know what they thought I should plan as my next move.

In order to procure this advice, I phrased my question in metaphor. That may have been my first mistake.

I presented them with the following situation:

I had been texting and trying to set up a date with this guy, but things kept falling through, then I jokingly opened the conversation up to him coming over on a day that I actually couldn’t meet up. He said he couldn’t that day and seemed semi-remorseful, but that we should try another day. I felt that I sounded overeager and wanted to clarify that I was kidding without being rude. So, I didn’t want to totally close that door.

The only thing that the boys took from that entire situation was “the door”. All they wanted to know now was if the door was always open? Was it only cracked open? Was there a foot in the door? Was it a screen door? Did the door have windows? Could it be easily broken into? Were there locks on the door?

And they went on and on and on and on. Unrelenting about the damn door that doesn’t even exist. It was exhausting and the opposite of the help I was seeking.

Note to self, find new friends. Or at least find friends that have a maturity level higher than a 7th grader.