Every Thought That Runs Through My Head When I’m Not Listening to You

Is this b*tch almost done?

I really need to paint my nails. Maybe I’ll paint them black. I wear black a lot, it would match.

I need new clothes.

But I’m also hungry. Should I buy new clothes or food? It’s a tough decision.

Oh sh*t. I think she just asked me something. Um, quick. Smile. Ask what she thinks.

Okay, she accepted that as a proper response. Cool. I’m clear.

I feel so sorry for people who don’t live near a zoo. Otters are so important.

Do otters have the same visual spectrum as humans?

Do they see more colors than us? Or less? OMG What if otters don’t even know how cute they are? How do otters communicate with each other? Do they make noises? OMG, what if otters could text? What would they say?

Otter 1: LOL did you see Oscar do that backflip?

Otter 2: Yeah, he’s such a show off.

Wow, I wonder if any one texted me? Would it be rude to check? Do I really care?

Oh look, Danny texted me.

What’s up Daniel? Smirky face emoji. No I’m not free later. What about tomorrow?

Oh and Bryan.

Hi Bry. Did I do the homework? Hell no.

Do I ever do the homework that isn’t graded? I feel like he should know the answer to that by now.

Is that a strng personal choice? Maybe not. But I’m skimming by without many noticing.

F*ck, she definitely just wanted me to answer yes or no to something.

“Um…. yes?”

She gives me an incredulous look.

“I meant no. Definitely no.”

And she’s back to gabbing all over again.

“Look, it’s been really great catching up, but I’m kind of busy at the moment with some important stuff that needs to be handled right this minute.”

Then she goes, “Wow Maz, you’re such a great listener. Thanks for really hearing me.”

And I’m like, yep b*tch, no prob, I have literally no idea what you were talking about, but sure.

But really, I’m like “Oh, of course, anytime!”



Getting Stuck in a Texting Trap

Your phone goes off and you’re like:


And then you see it’s from that semi-creepy, but still super nice guy that you feel bad blowing off, but you also totally regret giving your number; so you:


And he just doesn’t give up when you don’t respond, so he messages you again:


So you:


Because he is nice. And begrudgingly you give a really vague message back:


And then you remember:


So when he eagerly sends 30 more texts because of your “hi.”, you’re like:

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And next time you see him in person, he asks if you’ve been getting his messages, and you answer honestly:


So he gets a little defensive:


And you’re sort of like:


And he’s all:


And then you feel terrible. And that’s how you find yourself sucked into a loop of texting someone that you really don’t care to be texting.

Break the chain fanz! Or if you figure out how, please let me know. XO, Maz

I’m Not Super-stitious, I’m Just A Little Stitious

One of the ultimate pet peeves of the world is when I have a dream and I know how it left me feeling when I woke up, but I can’t for the life of me remember what happened in the dream. Or even worse, I’ll go to tell my friends about it and the second I start to tell them the story, I totally forget what happened.


It’s so annoying. I used to keep a journal by my bed or I would write it down in my notes on my phone the second I woke up, but since I’ve stopped doing that, I find it a giant challenge to keep them in my head after like ten minutes.

But, the past few nights I have been having a real sh*t time at sleeping. I can fall asleep no problem, but it’s just so restless, and then I wake up all in a tizzy because I have some weird dreams, but I can’t remember what they are. Like I can remember clips of them, one night; being at an airport, someone stealing my bags, another night; some old dude stealing my favorite rings. Then another night I just woke up crying and I have no idea why. It’s stressing me out!

I need some dream remedies. I think it’s because I don’t have my dream catchers hanging up all around me to counteract the bad juju. When I have my dream catcher, things are wonderful. I go on dates with Niall Horan. I get proposed to in the middle of Piccadilly Circus by a beautiful stranger, people sing and dance and everything is so happy.

Without it, it’s like I’m trapped in some spooky weird dream limbo that I can’t even remember when I wake up, but I just know it was bad.

The Most Annoying Sound in the World

I really hope that everyone just got my Dumb and Dumber reference by the title.

If not, here you go:

Anyway, as annoying as that sound may be, I have to say that nothing, I mean nothing, could be worse than a sound made by the guy who sat himself right on down and got comfortable at the table right next to me during seminar last night.

I was totally content in the third row, just far enough from the tutor that I could check my phone surreptitiously and just close enough that I could still seem engaged in the class. I had the row to myself and no one was bothering me.

That is, no one was bothering me until Violet f*cking Beauregarde (that’s what we’ll call him) plants his totally unaware ass right next to me.

Okay, first of all, he was 10 minutes late. That’s rude.

Second of all, there was an entire damn row. What about me screams, “please invade my personal space!”?

And third of all, he was committing one of the worst crimes. He was chewing his gum like a cow. I mean, he was really going for it. Full on slapping it around like there was no tomorrow. Chewing that gum like it was the last piece on earth. I’m talking chomps, for sure.

I’m sorry but Jim Carey has absolutely nothing on the noise that this dude was making. I didn’t know whether to ask him to stop or just stare him down until he got the hint. Surprisingly, I opted for silence. What I wasn’t expecting was for a guy in the row in front of us to turn full around and freeze over the fiery pits of hell with a glare at the cow chewer.

Helga Patacki (like seriously, I think this dude was using the gum to build a shrine of Arnold in his closet) filly got the hint and stopped his actions, thankfully.

I honestly spent more than half of the lesson so distracted by that damn noise.

This is a PSA to gum chewers: KEEP IT THE F*CK DOWN. Thank you.